Quick hits for Nov. 12, 2015

Making grains

Dr. Ben Carson stated his belief of the pyramids storing grain. This prompted us to investigate at UNC. It turns out the Bell Tower was also built by Joseph for storing grain. Those liberals in Order of the Bell Tower were just too anti-religion to admit it. If you disagree, remember we are entitled to our personal theories.

Carolina Review

This paper has been singled out for scorn this week by the Carolina Review, a charming campus newsletter largely written and read by those guys who wear tucked-in button-downs to class every day. Don’t worry, friends, our feelings about you aren’t neutral, and we don’t believe in air conditioning either.

It's called Chicago

Spike Lee’s forthcoming victim-blaming, ill-conceived movie “Chi-Raq,” in which he seems to suggest violence in Chicago is a) black people’s and b) women’s fault, looks to be a disaster. Can someone sit Mr. Lee down and make him watch his old (and great) movies? He might learn something.

#GTHD

The football team crushed Duke on Homecoming Weekend. This is like every UNC fan’s dream. So this is a big thumbs up to the athletes in light blue who led the team to victory and who made every single Duke person feel slightly worse than they already do. Now let’s take the coastal division. Godspeed, y’all.

Sunshine

We, the mole-people of The Daily Tar Heel who thrive on fluorescent lights and sky tears, are perturbed by this “sunshine” phenomenon that afflicted Chapel Hill yesterday. Bring us back our puddles, rain, mud and misery, for November is the prime season for mole-people. It’s our time to (not) shine. Let us.

Grind time

The Daily Grind is a great place with great coffee and great employees — we love it there. However, we do get mildly annoyed when we are standing in the Bull’s Head side, thinking we are the only customer, to find out the other side is full and our coffee will take 15 minutes. Still going back though.