Dear White People, I do not write this column with you in mind.
In fact, I began writing because I am tired. Tired of you inaccurately telling my story; of crafting creation myths that legitimize your existence; of the unapologetic violence that you call “opinions.” So I took my tired black ink, unlocked my tired Black lips and began writing a column that spoke to tired Black people.
Let it be known that I do not read your comments. Unfortunately, every once in a while, your racism will slip through and reach me. So let me take time out of my regularly scheduled programming, that is not at all about you, and address the issue.
From the few comments I have read, I understand that the academic way I write is too difficult for a lot of you to understand. Fortunately, because you refuse to go unacknowledged (or pick up a dictionary), I’ve decided to do the labor of addressing you in a simple, bulleted, comprehensive, understandable list. You’re welcome.
1. You are boring. If you weren’t, perhaps then I would read the comments, but alas, you seem to have a limited number of unoriginal responses — everything from, “Black people are lazy,” or, “This is liberal satire?” At least be more inventive. More importantly, if you want me to “go back to where you came from,” then surely I’ll give you my bank account information right now and you can make the deposit and we can both happily go about our days. For those of you who at least attempt to engage critically with matters of modernity, avoid slipping into the unproductive exercise of playing devil’s advocate. No one wants to have a conversation that is completely off topic.
2. You must do your own labor. Often you want “tangible answers” to real world problems. First, I am not your personal supplement for Google or your local library. Secondly, not only do I have to continuously survive in this white-washed world, but why must I also recount my trauma for your benefit? I beg, please try thinking for yourself at least. Thirdly, there is a fee called “reparations” that must be paid before I willingly respond to any questions that solicit my labor to do your work.
3. You need so much attention. Find me sense — since you’re so dedicated to “logic” and “empiricism” — as to why you have such a crippling insecurity complex when the slightest thing challenges you? That’s embarrassing.
4. Your “opinions” are racist — 99.9 percent of your “free speech” is erasing, silencing and ahistorical. Bodies have memory, and yours is a gold mine of intergenerational exploitation, co-optation and violence.
5. You’re boring. Did I mention this?
