If you’ve ever tried to buy nail polish, you know the struggle of finding the perfect color.
Beyond that, there’s the struggle of finding a nail polish with a somewhat reasonable name, or one with the coolest name you can find so you can flaunt your new mani-pedi in style.
My guilty pleasure is actually checking out the colorful spread in magazines, so I’m not really surprised anymore when I see ridiculous names like “Scallywag” blue from Butter London or “Are You Jelly” purple from China Glaze. But that doesn’t mean I’m any less confused by the reasoning behind it, or somewhat fascinated by the process of choosing these ridiculous nail polish names.
To that end, I came up with a few names you probably won't see in a "Cosmopolitan" magazine spread any time soon.
Source: Kelmatt.com
Not your mother’s lemonade
You won’t get this from the girl scouts selling cups on the corner of your street, nor will you get it from your mother’s summer pitcher. In fact, I’m not even sure that’s lemonade at all. But what else could it be ...?
Source: Kelmatt.com
Patrick’s patriarchal purple
Because nothing says masculinity like a violently purple nail polish for your bejeweled boy fist.
Source: Kelmatt.com
Double trouble, pink n’ blue bubbles
Why have one color when you can have two? Although these two colors together might end up looking more like Patrick’s purple but them’s the breaks.
Source: Kelmatt.com
Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat matte
This one’s a bit of a mouthful, but it’s a sleek matte polish that looks good on any size nail. However, I’m not sold on the color. After all, I can think of a few other things that fit the Kit-Kat color scheme, and none of them are good.
Source: Kelmatt.com
Hot hipster honey’s henna
While the social justice warriors cry out about cultural appropriation, you’ll be looking fly in your dark dye. Just don’t let this stuff touch your skin. It’ll turn your cuticles into shriveled husks as dry as the Great Indian Desert.
Source: Colors.findthedata.com
Bondage blue
Part of OPI’s “Fifty Shades of Grey” Collection, this dark color really brings out the blue in “black and blue” bruises.
Source: Colormetrix.com
Dear god what is that black
This color black is the stuff of nightmares. Coincidentally, it’s also the color of my soul and the mold that’s growing on the back of the label.
Source: Keltmatt.com
Tinder trying teal
For those nights spent cursing humankind and regretting whatever late-night melancholy forced you to buy that soul-sucking app that is Tinder.
Source: Deviantart.com and Color.findthedata.com
Beauty school drop out
A tired, ugly grey mixed with sparkles of violent orange and pickled pink. After all, there’s a reason she dropped out of beauty school.
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