Assistant Arts & Entertainment editor Ryan Schocket and Arts & Entertainment editor Sarah Vassello don't agree on most things, especially when it comes to pop culture. We've started Two Faced, a semi-regular series where we argue about current entertainment "news" with sass always and class sometimes. For round two, we discuss the emerging relationship of Drake and Serena Williams.
Sarah:
Drake and Serena Williams — a love story made years in the making. He’s been flirting with her on Twitter for four years, saying “I cannot wait to put it on you and make you sweat..........during our match this weekend” all the way back in 2011.
@serenawilliams I cannot wait to put it on you and make you sweat..........during our match this weekend.
— Drizzy (@Drake) August 4, 2011
He was seen at Wimbledon this past month, where Serena won her sixth title. News and Twitter commentators alike couldn’t help but notice how sad he was, watching another human being from afar as his apparent crush actually did something. According Alice Wilder, columnist and one half of the podcast talent on Having it All, Drake and Serena dated once years ago, but it ended when he cheated on her.
Now, as TMZ reported, Drake and Serena are going for match two. Seen making out at a “fancy Cincinnati restaurant,” Sunday night, fans and media alike are losing their collective shit at this fairytale ending.
OK, but here’s how this relationship’s going to go.
They’ll date for a while, going on other romantic excursions to other fancy Cincinnati restaurants. After the second date, they’ll run out of restaurants to go to, and they’ll take it back to Serena’s hometown of Saginaw, Michigan — they’d need a passport to go to Drake’s hometown, and tbh, they aren’t ready to start at the bottom. Not on the first date, anyway. This will start a tour of fancy restaraunts in the Midwest. Talk about breadbasket of America, am I right? Both of their careers will take a backseat to the love they will feel for each other, which is kind of nice.
However, it’s going to be dysfunctional because Drake can’t even rap a diss track without disrupting his love for Serena.
"No woman ever had me star struck / Or was able to tell me to get my bars up," he sings in "Charged Up." Many have speculated this was in reference to Nicki Minaj, but let's remember he released this song on July 27 — this was a little more than 10 days after he followed Serena around Wimbledon, and like four years after he first tweeted her. Drake, come on, stop lying — you are so into Serena, and I like that. Overall, this will be cute while it lasts.
But, after two years of dating, they will break up. Drake will release an album called 30 Love(less), and I’ll make fun of it for the rest of my life. The whole album will be like Adele’s 21 — an age-based album that white people will sob to and sing in the car when they really shouldn’t.
“Remember that time that Drake wrote a broken hearted love song about tennis?” I’ll say. Everyone will shake their heads in disappointment. He’ll have rapped the line, “Love means nothing in tennis / But what did I mean to you?” and I’ll have a poster of those lyrics on my wall. Drake’s “street cred” will be destroyed, just like Serena’s opponents.
Ryan’s the kind of person who likes to watch trainwrecks happen and he’s a huge instigator, so of course he wants this relationship to blossom. Also, Ryan wouldn't understand street cred if it smacked him in the face — he's "from the shore" of New Jersey. He's met people who were in the television show "Jersey Shore." His uncle has served the cast meat. Of course he's not concerned about Drake's street cred.
I think that people should be together for as long as is healthy for both of them. I think that, for a time, this relationship will be beautiful and mutually respectful and everything you could ever want.
But, y'all, I swear to God, I am ultimately thinking of the good of everyone so this album doesn't come out. Director of Enterprise Bradley Saacks told me that Drake is at the top of his game right now. Does anyone really think he'll be at the top of his game after 30 Love(less)? Do I want to review that album? The mean part of me does. The will-be-heartbroken part of me doesn't.
It's the heartbroken part of me that is worried about Drakena.
Ryan:
In the world of blog shit-talking, I am Drake, and Sarah Vassello is Meek Mill.
This week, we’re arguing over whether rapper Drake and tennis beast Serena Williams should be together.
The two were recently caught swapping spit by TMZ, the inescapable celebrity news source that masterfully stalks celebrities.
I think it’s important to note that Sarah and I are principally interested in the welfare of Serena, someone whom we consider a friend.
This edition of “Two-Faced” is slightly less contentious because of our mutual respect and love for Serena.
And also because we both agree that she is a bonafide badass.
I knew I loved Serena the moment she cursed off — or should I say “cussed out” for you Southerners — the line judge after being called for a foot fault. It was reported that she said she was going to "shove the fucking ball down" the judge’s throat.
As a native of New Jersey, I acknowledge the artistry that is cursing someone off — there’s a certain level of genius involved in weaving curses in and out of creative threats.
Sarah’s point— that Serena can do better — is valid. She really can. But, I think if she wanted to, she would. My argument is simple: if Serena wants to pursue Drake, he doesn’t really have a choice.
You don’t say the word “no” to Serena — or “fault.”
If Serena wants Drake, then I think Sarah and I need to support her in this romantic quest.
Maybe Sarah would prefer if Serena dated someone more brainlessly bubblegum, like Cody Simpson? Or even better — one of those overwhelmingly unfunny Vine stars?
Bottom line: if Serena chooses to make out with Drake in a weirdly lit basement restaurant, then so be it. We need to support her for our own safety. If she wanted to do better than Drake, she would’ve.
Also, let it be known that I told Sarah specifically not to use a pun involving love and tennis — because I wanted to — and she conveniently forgot.
Sarah, who just asked me how to spell "enterprise" and proudly sports a Samsung phone with a heavy duty black case, is probably used to settling, so you’ll have to ask her about that.
Anyway, I think some men are intimidated by Serena and her talent, success and wealth, but that’s not her fault. (See what I did there?)
Drake reportedly went to the gym to bulk up so that he could impress and keep up with Serena. He has a long road ahead of him before his body is comparable to her phenomenal physique, but at least he’s trying. The second step would involve changing his Instagram handle to something other than “champagnepapi.”
You can honestly tell that Drake cares about Serena, considering he’s been spotted multiple times trailing after her at her matches.
Drake, is that a world tour or your girl’s tourn?
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