We now watch as weird Daily Tar Heel guy goes to fence.""
Thus spoke David Winer" member of the UNC fencing team.
Yes UNC has a fencing team.
And yes I" ""weird Daily Tar Heel guy"" went to fence.
Tuesday afternoon, I called fencing coach Ron Miller and asked if I could fence with the team.
An hour later, I waltzed into Fetzer Gym and looked around. I saw fencers lined up in pairs, going at it like starved Frenchmen fighting over the last bite of a crepe.
When they spotted me, their faces all said the same thing:
Weird Daily Tar Heel guy is toast.
It took a couple tries to simply get my jacket on correctly (with assistance, no less). Next, they pulled a glove onto my sword hand so that my opponent's blade couldn't travel up my sleeve and puncture my lung. Terrific!
Then I learned that fencing involves three weapon classes - sabers, foils and epees. Horrific!
How much does it hurt?"" I asked Winer"" a freshman (and a seasoned saber-ist like myself).
""It depends who's hitting you"" he said.
Who would be hitting me? Will Randolph, a senior who started fencing at age 10. Looks like former Phish frontman Trey Anastasio, but built like a Volvo - no questions about his safety. As for mine ...
You're gonna get killed" said freshman Dylan Hubbard.
But I couldn't die honorably until I learned the basics.
If you can't pick it up you're not as smart as some 6-year-olds I've coached" Randolph said.
Sam Rosenthal: Are you smarter than a first-grader?
Randolph taught me in 30 minutes what usually takes a few hours a day for a few days to learn - like a fencing Maymester.
First, we covered movement: advancing, retreating, lunging and tripping (not a usual fencing movement).
Then we touched on basic parry positions for the saber. Parrying means, basically, Stop the pointy metal thing from hitting you.""
A lesson in attacking followed" and Randolph let me hit him repeatedly - while questioning the masculinity of my blows.
Ultimately the lesson on attacking proved pointless as did the one on parrying. But the lesson on butt-whipping left an impression. Actually many impressions.
See after my brief tutorial Randolph suggested that we fence each other" like Muhammad Ali challenging Steve Urkel in boxing.
I handed my recorder to Winer and Hubbard (wanting to document my final minutes on Earth).
Will Randolph ... Weird Daily Tar Heel guy ... En garde!
I lunged; he dodged. He lunged; I cringed. I struck; he parried. He struck; I cried. And the peanut gallery loved every minute of it.
""He's scared to hit Will" and I'm pretty sure he's afraid of getting hit Winer said.
You got that right.
Someone in this normal position wouldn't be fencing right away" Winer said. The average person can't just go in and fence.""
This average person tried to ""just go in and fence."" This average person looked" as Hubbard put it" ""like a stupid fish.""
Winer added"" ""A fish out of water - aka you don't belong here.""
However" for a single glimmering moment I belonged. Somehow on one pass" my saber touched Randolph before his contacted me. Score one for the Samster!
That was it. Final score: 20-1.
""But you had that one beautiful touch" Randolph consoled me.
Removing my mask and jacket felt like exiting a sauna. I collapsed onto a chair and asked Miller if he watched our bout. I did a little bit. You were moving pretty well" the coach said. It's hard to grasp the concepts of the sport in a few minutes. ... (Fencing) is chess at the speed of boxing. I saw he was nice - he didn't hurt you.""
No offense" Coach but my arms and back want a rebuttal.
Or as we fencers say a repose.
Contact Sam Rosenthal at samrose@email.unc.edu.
