We?re like those sea lampreys that swam up the St. Lawrence and wiped out all the trout in Lake Erie. It?s true. God forbid we go along with the most likely explanation or the conclusion that makes the most sense. Oh, no. That would be way too easy.
Instead, we always need to come up with the world?s most incredible, implausible, improbable conspiracy theory to explain anything and everything that goes on. Take, for example, John F. Kennedy?s assassination.
Even after receiving access to all the evidence, why do so many citizens still insist on constructing ridiculously elaborate theories implicating every institution from the Russian Mafia to the Cuban military? As a nation of educated, rational people, we should arrive at the most likely explanation as to what happened that afternoon in Dallas: Kennedy was shot by an alien from the planet Kendar.
I?m afraid this national fondness for conspiracies has even penetrated the workings of the American family. Just the other day, my mom yelled at my dad for not replacing an empty roll of toilet paper.
?But honey,? my dad answered, ?it wasn?t me. There was a CIA-sponsored coup d?etat in the bathroom, and those right-leaning bastards took all the toilet paper!? And she believed him. In any event, it?s gone too far.
Americans are not interested in the economy, global warming or school vouchers. We?re much more concerned with who shot JR and who killed Laura Palmer.
Certainly, I am completely and thoroughly repulsed by this national adoration of conspiracy theories. I must admit, however, that after the Kenan Stadium lights went out during the third quarter of the UNC-Marshall game last Saturday, even I thought that something wasn?t quite right. Kenan, after all, is not some rickety old artifact of football past. It?s a relatively new arena with some fine technology and a knowledgeable maintenance crew. Frankly, I find it quite odd that two banks of overhead lights would simply shut down in the middle of the game.
As a result, I have developed a few theories as to what might have happened at Kenan. Theory 1: The Marshall Fans Did It There were 15,000 tickets sold to Marshall students and fans, making it the largest visiting crowd ever at a UNC football game. Consequently, they certainly had the numbers to pull off something big, like turning off the power.
In addition, if we recall how the game was shaping up when the lights went out, it?s obvious the Marshall fans had a motive as well. Here?s why. UNC was up 20-9. The defense was holding strong, Curry was heating up, and the Tar Heel running game was showing signs of life. The Boys in Blue clearly had the momentum, and the Thundering Herd?s collective back was against the wall.
