Admittedly, my candidate and my scheme might seem a little far-fetched, especially at first. Regardless, I truly believe that if we all get behind my proposed candidate, the student body at UNC can make an enormous difference this Election Day. Here's how:
We're going to get Coach Doherty elected president.
I know, I know. It's brilliant! I don't know why we didn't think of it sooner.
But let's not beat ourselves up over that now. We've got work to do. Election Day is less than a month away.
I'm sure the upperclassmen recall the brilliant "Bersticker for President" campaign engineered last winter by the great Brian Frederick. For those who don't, a quick recap:
Although considered a long shot in the weeks leading up to the election, by midafternoon on campus election day, basketball stud and Chapel Hill lady-killer Brian Bersticker found himself running neck-and-neck with candidate Brad Matthews in the race for the completely unimportant position of student body president.
When the votes were totaled late that night, however, the lesser-qualified Matthews had somehow, by the narrowest of margins, managed to pull out a victory over our beloved power forward.
To this day, the events surrounding the tallying of the votes remain, to say the least, suspicious. Nevertheless, the dramatic run made by everyone's favorite blonde baller had come to an end. Despite a noble and valiant effort to restore integrity and decency to student government, Bersticker had come up short.
However, his strong showing proved two points:
a) By exercising their right to vote, the students at UNC can make a huge difference in politics.
b) The losing candidate can still pick up more chicks than the winner.
Bersticker is living proof of what we can do if we get behind Coach Doherty and support his drive to the White House.
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And I'll be darned if tonight's "Midnight Madness" celebration isn't the perfect opportunity to jump start our campaign!
Picture it. The former Tar Heel champion returns to Carmichael Auditorium. His hair's a little grayer.
His voice is a little raspier. Perhaps he's even a step or two slower.
However, he's still Matt Doherty. In fact, he's Coach Doherty.
He's still got that hard-nosed, Long Island attitude that made him a champion here at Carolina not too long ago.
And that's just the kind of guy America needs in the Oval Office.
Let's use tonight's "Midnight Madness" to rally the troops, so to speak. Every last student needs to come on out to support Coach Doherty's run for the presidency of the United States.
It'll be perfect. Coach Guthridge will serve as vice president, Coach Smith as Secretary of War. Peppers and Curry can be Secret Service agents.
I actually had a chance to speak with coaches Smith and Guthridge about my plan before running it in today's paper. They both agreed that a Doherty-Guthridge-Smith ticket was a great idea, and that they easily could defeat both Bush and Gore.
Coach Smith: "It's an easy victory for us because Americans will love our policy proposals. Take this one, for example. As Secretary of War, I will position military units on the four corners of each major continent. A smaller, quicker force - we'll code name it Phil Ford - will run around in the middle of the continent. This is Operation Four Corners. It's perfect."
Coach Guthridge: "We can also win over the voters with a tasty treat. As vice president under President Doherty, I will see to it that students receive free ice cream every morning."
Joe: "Coach, with all due respect, what in the hell does ice cream have to do with politics?"
Coach Guthridge: "I like ice cream."
Maybe we ought to put Bersticker on the ticket.
Joe Monaco is a junior journalism and mass communication and political science major from Long Island, N.Y. who wants to see everyone at "Midnight Madness" tonight. Reach him at jmonaco@email.unc.edu.
