UNC Needs Freestanding `GCC'

The past four weeks have been nothing but midterm exams, group projects, research papers and internship applications.

I know you guys are all in the same boat.

However, this academic craziness is directly responsible for the decline in the quality of my recent columns.

At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if the editor forced me to resign. In fact, I'm kind of expecting him to do just that. I even have my farewell address prepared:

"Understand this. I am not a quitter. To leave my position before the completion of my term is opposed to every instinct in my body. However, I believe the well-being of the University and its newspaper must come first.

"Therefore, I shall resign my position as the Friday columnist, effective at noon tomorrow.

"Vice President Ford will be sworn in at that hour."

Or something like that.

Wouldn't it be funny if I resigned, and The Daily Tar Heel replaced me with Kofi? Kofi would then be writing two columns per week. Man alive, that sure would be a lot of exposure for Mr. Bofah.

Although, I guess that would kill his theory about the white man always keepin' a brotha down.

Yo.

In any event, I have big news today.

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to speak with our beloved Chancellor James Moeser for the second time this semester. Surprisingly enough, he was not at all upset about that column I wrote in September in which I referred to him as the University's "totalitarian leader."

The chancellor's cool like that.

After a few minutes of discussing killer hangovers and what really goes on at sorority functions, the chancellor and I got to talking about the Master Plan.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Master Plan, it's the secret arrangement UNC has made with the extraterrestrials regarding their joint-colonization of planet Earth.

I'm just kidding. Aliens know better than to go through a university that has its freshman register for classes during Homecoming football games.

In reality, the Master Plan is the blueprint for the University's future.

The plan shows where all the new buildings and parking lots will be located and which of the older structures will be burned down by Morrison residents.

I asked the chancellor if the plan was flexible. He said it most certainly was, and that if I had any suggestions, I should bring them directly to him. He also suggested that I use this column to drum up support for any proposal I might have.

And that's just what I intend to do today.

Boys and girls of the University, I propose we build a freestanding Geek Cultural Center.

That's right. We need a GCC to celebrate the achievements of the University's geeks.

Where did I receive the inspiration for this idea? Why, my dad, of course.

"Dad, why don't you ever want to throw the ol' ball around in the yard anymore?"

"Well, son. It's because you're a geek. You wear Avia sneakers and a Members Only jacket. You're the Steve Urkel of UNC. It must be a recessive trait or something, because I'm not a geek, and neither is your brother. You, however, are a geek."

And it was those words of fatherly love that inspired me to push for this GCC.

It'll be great. The GCC will be the Hall of Fame for geeks. It will have pictures of Carolina's most celebrated geeks, as well as geek memorabilia, such as plaid jackets and pocket protectors.

Best of all, The GCC also will have the same amnesty status as a foreign embassy. In other words, it will be a safe haven for all geeks if they are ever under attack from athletes or other nongeeks.

The only thing standing in the way of a freestanding GCC is funding.

But don't worry. I think I got that covered.

During Winter Break, I'll shoot out to Hollywood and sell the screenplay I've been working on to some big-name movie director. Then, I'll donate the money to the University so it can build the GCC.

As for my screenplay, it's almost finished. I'm picturing something with Clint Eastwood and maybe Meryl Streep. Yeah. That sounds good.

Now I just need a title. Wait, I think I had a thought. Yep, I did. We'll call it "The Ballots of Palm Beach County."

I can picture it already. It's the story of two senior citizens in Palm Beach County who go to the store to buy diapers and Fixodent. On the way home, they stumble across a polling site and go inside. Seeing all the old people punching tickets, they think it's Bingo Night, so they grab a stack of ballots and elect Wayne Newton, periodically yelling out "Bingo!"

If that isn't a guaranteed blockbuster, then I don't know what is.

With the proceeds from the film, the GCC will surely become a reality.

The only question is where to put it.

Maybe we should vote.

Joe Monaco is a junior from Long Island, N.Y. who doesn't need a recount to know that Forte dropped 38 last Saturday. Reach the lesser of the two Joes at jmonaco@email.unc.edu.