Join Me for an S&M Relationship?

No matter how high your confidence, everyone gets a little damp in the panties when it comes to meeting someone new.

Whether it's impressing a potential boss or working on getting a more exciting kind of job in the club scene, beads of sweat trickle down your spine all the same.

And a new semester of columnists should at the very least spark some feelings of unease.

Although I can't speak for the rest of the gang, I can guarantee that my own weekly spot will cause more than just a little discomfort for the average bear.

But, since I already value your thoughts and attention so much, I figured I would start the semester off with this very formal handshake-like gesture to ease you up. Here's a glimpse of what's to come, so just relax ...

Every Friday, you'll be bombarded with loads of tasteless smut.

From time to time, I'll give you something keen to chew on, but don't expect anything too ritzy.

It's nice that this columnist job worked out, but my main priority as a weekly writer is to have a blast. And I can only hope that you'll get off as well.

But never fake it, please.

Following my column will be like participating in a sadomasochistic sexual encounter. In other words, it's going to be rough, but strangely exciting at the same time. I'll take you places you only secretly fantasize about.

But you can trust me.

After all, within an S&M partnership, there's gotta be a lot of trust involved.

Think about it. Do you want someone to just randomly beat you or degrade your character by making you lick the bottom of his or her oh-so-shiny leather boot?

No way.

But sometimes, you do yearn for something different. And even though S&M isn't everyone's cup of tea, don't knock it till you try it.

The best way I can describe the mentality behind sadomasochism is to steal a metaphor from a classic movie. In the film, a dominatrix says the whole rough sex ordeal is sort of like stealing strawberries.

To get to the fruit, you first have to climb over a high fence. Then you find yourself in a thorn patch. You can see the strawberries and are close enough to smell their sweetness. The thorns almost hold you back as they dig into your naked legs. But at last you reach the berries and take a bite of one. Its taste is ecstatic and so much sweeter than a fruit you could have just bought at the market.

And intruding on someone else's strawberry patch makes you feel just a little naughty. Everyone wants to be naughty. And besides, it's just a strawberry or two you've taken.

According to the dominatrix (and if you can name the film she's from, give me a ring!), the reasons why people participate in S&M are very similar. They voluntarily experience a little pain to reach the ultimate pleasure ... and I can only hope my columns will serve the same function.

They're going to be hard to swallow at times, but when May rolls around, you'll be glad I was here to play. And if you can't take everything down, just spit some of it back out. But don't be so timid as to avoid the coming explosions altogether.

Who learns anything that way?

Never think that I'm all that or anything. It's not like I'm offering some sort of grand enlightenment bullshit.

But I do plan to take you on a journey or two ... like to my hometown for instance.

Let me tell you, Burnsville, North Carolina is one messed up town. Never doubt it -- even if tiny Burnsville-ites beg to differ. They're just rude and have to compensate for being so small -- in every sense of the word.

But I love Burnsville. In fact, I love it so damn much, I'll offer you moral Burnsville tales throughout the semester. The knowledge I've gained from growing up in that weirdo little place has molded me into the hardass son-of-a-bitch I am today.

Now I realize that every town has its secret scandals, but I like to believe my hometown is really special. We have sheriffs and mayors and stuff, but they're just sort of like pawns that can be bought and sold at the drop of a dime.

You got some cash or hard-core liquor?

If so, you have our town leaders in your pocket.

Understand that Burnsville has much to do with my overall strange aura.

It's just plain different.

But so many valuable lessons can be learned in my little safe haven. And I hope those lessons will shine through my very inadequate words and give you something to turn over.

This very column you're holding in your hands is all about learning. And I promise you that the lessons I'm about to share won't be limited to my experiences of surviving a redneck upbringing. I might never explain the meaning of life or how such a dope as George W. Bush captured the presidency, but I'm sure to push a few buttons.

And I think you want and need those buttons pushed.

But as stated earlier, I'm all about having a good time. You're about to receive an eclectic mix of fun and education in the columns to come.

It's going to be a rough ride, but I'm sure to get off and be happier for it.

Let's play.

Cameron Mitchell is a junior journalism and mass communication major from Burnsville. Reach him at mitchel6@email.unc.edu.