Sports Figures Resolve for Better 2001

Probably because I never think to make them in the first place.

But this year, I made a joint resolution with my fellow sports editors to revive the weekly sports column in The Daily Tar Heel.

It used to be that a sports column appeared at the beginning of every week on the back page, but because of extenuating circumstances that tradition has been off-and-on for the past three semesters.

OK, so technically, if we were true to our resolution, we would have had a column in here yesterday.

So let's make a deal. You overlook that, and we won't mention that "one, final" smoke you had outside the Undergrad the other day. I promise, this is the last one.

Oh, and advance apologies for having to look at one of our faces -- especially this one -- every week first thing in the morning.

Yikes.

Of course, we're not the only ones vowing to make changes for the better in the Oh-one.

Turns out, a number of athletes, coaches and athletic admistrators from UNC, as well as sports figures around the world, have made resolutions to christen the official start of the new millennium.

And I've got a list of them sitting right here.

Ronald Curry: Refuse to quarterback in third offensive system in four seasons; demand switch to kickoff and punt returner.

Brendan Haywood: Pretend that every opponent is Wake Forest (for the love of God).

Julius Peppers: Walk on to UNC baseball team; replace Adam Greenberg in center field; lead team in average, home runs, RBI and slugging percentage.

John Bunting: Convince Peppers to return next season (JG: no time to waste on this one, Coach); hire an offensive coordinator that ain't too proud to beg Curry to stay at quarterback.

Chris Carrieri: Demand stipulation in Major League Soccer contract that mandates any billboard bearing my likeness shall proclaim me as "The Italian Stallion."

George Steinbrenner: Take deal with devil one step further by selling the remainder of my soul; use revenue generated to lure Pedro from Boston.

Alex Rodriguez: Burn a $100 bill every day, while smoking an unusually oversized Cuban cigar and chanting "Mucho dinero" in between spasms of maniacal laughter.

Dick Baddour: Next time I have a prospective coach in Chapel Hill, get him to sign something (a napkin, a gum wrapper, my own chest) before he leaves.

Joseph Forte: Stick around for another two years so that James Giza can cover me for The Daily Tar Heel when we're both seniors (JG: Joseph, man, I really appreciate that one).

Anna Kournikova: Maybe it's time that I actually win a tournament; oh, and profess my love for James Giza (JG: Joseph, no offense, but I appreciate this one more than anyone will ever know).

Michael Jordan: Get over it.

Tiger Woods: Never ever again try the Calibinasian Backstreet Boy look for as long as I live.

Luke Huard: Support Curry's decision to switch to kick returner unconditionally.

Coretta Brown: Continue to make people forget about Nikki Teasley (JG: 17.2 points, 6.4 assists and 5.2 rebounds in 37.9 minutes per game is not hurting at all).

Tennessee Titans kicker Al Del Greco: See therapist about recurring nightmare of raven attack.

Alabama defensive coordinator Carl Torbush: Lobby like heck to schedule regular-season meeting with Tar Heels; try to keep Don King-like smirk off my face when the Crimson Tide keeps them from even advancing into Alabama territory.

Matt Doherty: Prove that not all great coaches must be hung in effigy during their rookie seasons at UNC.

Alright, so maybe not all these resolutions are 100 percent accurate.

After all, everyone knows that Steinbrenner himself is the devil.

One of us will see you next week.

We promise.

James Giza can be reached at WannabeReilly@aol.com.