Vote Ashley For `Super-Fly' SBP Position

It is time to abandon my position of the semiprofessional critic and jump into the melee, with hopes that my ideas and visions will be just what this campus has been waiting for.

Many moons have been spent in this very space denouncing the student body president post. It was tempting to do so again this week. But after some serious soul-searching, I decided I should put my money where my mouth is, practice what I preach and follow though on other fun cliches.

I've complained that our elected student officials do little to better the state of our campus, nay, to better our lives. Perhaps this is because the very nature of the post and those pursuing it are bogus. But maybe it's because the right candidates have not thrust themselves into the mix, making promises that will be kept, championing a voice that has not been heard thus far.

I now respectfully submit my campaign platform, complete with promises:

1. Change title from student body president to funkmaster general.

2. Add more muscle, beef to vice president post. Appoint Julius Peppers.

3. Have Lionel Ritchie perform at inauguration. Carrot Top will be on hand following the swearing-in.

4. Wear rainbow wig during all public appearances. Mandate that University administrators and Board of Trustees honchos follow suit.

5. During interviews with The Daily Tar Heel, will never refer to self in third person.

6. Improve Student Congress by importing lovable chimps from zoo.

7. Instead of using post salary for student foundation, will use extra money to throw super-fly kegger on lower quad.

8. Lower the drinking age to 18.

9. Spend more time in Suite C. Will move from apartment into choice Student Union location where I can be readily available to listen to students' needs.

10. In addition to alma mater, Tom Jones' "Sex Bomb" will be played at the end of all UNC sporting events.

11. No more parking tickets or permits to allow for parking free-for-all.

12. Require all Honor Court members to wear lace doily collars like Judge Judy.

13. Kick the chicks out of Old East and Old West residence halls.

14. Use position of student body president not to effect change, but rather to pad resume.

15. Shake up fraternities and sororities. Those who plan to join the Greek community must actually be Greek.

16. Require the DTH to print Marmaduke cartoons in place of Dilbert.

17. Hire Mayor McCheese and crafty Hamburglar to ensure all campaign promises are carried out.

18. Guarantee more sex for all students.

19. Encourage campus harmony. Upon arrival, all Yankee students will attend mandatory language workshop where they will learn how to speak correctly.

20. Use student body president post as excuse for missing classes, turning in papers late, etc.

21. Abolish nonsensical no-shirt no-shoes policy at popular Franklin Street eateries and bars.

22. First order of business: dismantle student government.

23. Second order of business: drink beer in tricked-out Suite C apartment.

Now I understand I'm coming into the game a bit late. I haven't fielded your thought-provoking questions at various debates. I haven't been profiled or interviewed by the DTH. I haven't put up catchy fliers or broken 22 Board of Elections rules. I haven't engaged in the dirty politicking and mudslinging. I haven't spent quality time in the Pit with a table and some poster board.

But I have been honest. I've made no bones about my plans. I've laid it all out.

Now the decision is yours. When you go to that voting site, or prepare to click your mouse, don't forget about the kid. And remember: A vote for me is a vote for ... me.

Columnist Ashley Stephenson can be reached at ashley21@email.unc.edu.