Not only do readers think that I'm a girl, but they also think I'm a carpet-muncher.
All you lesbians out there know I love you, but I must clear things up once and for all.
Up until recently, I was a fag. As a fag, I chose to date blokes. And, if you still haven't caught on, I AM A BLOKE!
But all that fag shit is in the past now.
The reason I bring up my mistaken gender problem at all is so I can try to kill two birds with one stone.
Since I've chosen the good and righteous path of heterosexuality, I challenge any lesbian out there to join me.
Let's be straight together.
If you're a dyke and already thought that I was cute, what have you got to lose?
I know that I'm not a girl and my penis may seem to be in the way at first, but you'll get used to it.
One day, my seed and your egg might even unite so that we can make a baby just like all the normal couples.
Before you start applying to be my heterosexual lover, let me give you a few pointers on how to stick out.
Not only have I decided to love me some women now, but I'm also choosing to be a fan of totally bodacious cha-chas.
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So honeys, if you ain't got the jugs, don't come knocking on my door.
(I'm feeling so manly!)
Oh, and as my lady, you might have to turn the other cheek a few times. You see, when I'm with my boys, I'll need to assert this newfound heterosexuality thing.
In other words, I'll be bragging about getting me some ass!
I know it might not be true at first. We'll have some awkward nights to work through, which is completely to be expected.
Before my conversion, I spent my days lusting after creamy hot male flesh ... and you spent your nights looking for some cute chicas to p-bang with.
But baby girl, I am your savior and will keep you strong in your newfound choice to be straight.
Eventually, we'll learn to arouse each other like normal boys and girls.
As a man, I am biologically expected to be attracted to women.
The penis fits into the vagina.
The sperm fertilizes the egg.
It's all about some procreation and survival of the species.
I used to think that sexual preference was anything but an actual preference.
When straight boys and girls asked me why I was gay, I often flipped the question around.
I asked them why they were straight.
None of them could explain the essence behind their sexuality.
One really good friend of mine told me that being attracted to the opposite sex was biologically expected.
But when I asked him if that was the reason he liked girls, he said no.
He couldn't put his finger on it, but he just knew when he was attracted to someone. He described it as a very natural feeling.
Perhaps there was something about the way she smiled.
Or maybe it was some cute mannerisms.
So, for a while, I concluded that there was this great mystery behind sexuality that couldn't be explained by gays, straights or anything in between.
It all seemed so romantic.
I foolishly assumed that no one really decided whom they were going to swoon over.
Since I naturally felt attracted to members of the same sex, I figured leading life as a homosexual was the path for me. It never dawned on me that I should choose to deny my natural orientation.
But, thank the Almighty, I have seen the light!
As a born-again heterosexual, I realize that even if I'm still attracted to men, I can choose to pursue relationships with women.
Who cares if I might have problems getting it up for a gal?
That doesn't prove a damn thing!
I'm just one of the good ol' boys now.
Hell, who's to say that all the straight guys out there aren't choosing to find women more attractive than men.
Maybe it's not something they naturally feel.
Come on guys, tell me it's not hard being straight.
The penis does fit into the vagina.
Cameron Mitchell is a junior journalism and mass communication major from Burnsville. Send any Mardi Gras pictures of your big bodacious breasts to mitchel6@email.unc.edu.
