I?d never received a ?sex talk? from my father, but I didn?t need one to know the best response to her query.
?Let?s go.?
The red-headed punk-rock girl was my first groupie. As a young sax player, I was honored to be with someone who had slept with the lead singer of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. The experience gave me more music-scene credibility than my playing ever did. I?ve never had any qualms with hooking up.
Perhaps that?s because my mother was always so encouraging. She is a white-knuckler who was afraid of letting me drive on the highway, but practically encouraged me to have sex at an early age. ?Do you want your father to buy you some condoms?? she once asked me. The mother of four boys, she really wants a daughter-in-law.
That was as close as I ever came to a sex talk from my parents.
I?ve experienced a lot, and learned very little. But here?s what I?ve gathered. (These are lessons I?ve learned, not instructions.)
Use protection. This is a must. Otherwise, you will spend the following weeks on your knees begging for mercy: ?Dear Lord, I swear, if you get me out of this jam, not only will I never have sex again, I will make the church my life?s work.?
Take the Walk of Shame like a man. One morning, my roommate Dana and I were enjoying breakfast at the kitchen table when a strange girl came walking by the window, followed by my other roommate, Marcus. Marcus had actually tried to sneak her out the window to avoid the Walk of Shame. That poor girl is now forever known as ?Window Girl.? Pure, commitment-free sex is possible. I was once awakened by a roommate delivering her visiting friend into my bed. Within two minutes, we were naked. For the duration of her trip, she came up every night and left when it was over. As with the red-headed punk-rock girl, I had to seize the opportunity ? it was like ?discovering plutonium by accident.? You don?t have to answer every booty call. I recently received one from a girl I?ll call ?Turbodog,? after her fondness for the beer. After I drove out to the country to pick her up, she took off her clothes and passed out backwards on my bed ? on top of all the blankets. Don?t buy her a Holy Grail. Sometimes the one random hook-up you want to bring home to mom is the girl who throws up on you in the middle of the night.
Finally, if a red-headed punk-rock girl ever asks you to go home with her, say yes. She?ll suck your toes.
