What's In Our Name? Cults And Commies

UNC -- UNder Construction

Yes, this name seems applicable to the present state of this university. It's like we feel obligated to break the Guinness record for the number of construction workers that can gather in one locale at one time -- I counted 15 hanging out by Greenlaw the other day, quite an accomplishment. Apparently the University finally decided that the '70s decor in the Undergraduate Library was a good way to please nostalgic parents on prospective student tours but was probably more of an eyesore to all their children.

I just wish they'd proceed a little faster with the project though, so we can get those students out of Davis who seem to want to use it to run up their cell phone bills rather than to study.

How about the expansion of the Student Union; wasn't that supposed to be completed three semesters ago? It must be that giant fish tank, last year's senior class gift, that is keeping that edifice from being completed. I thought our brand new set of steps was quite an achievement until I realized they were just some stairs.

How about that same set of bricks they seem to keep digging up outside of Teague Residence Hall? Hey, maybe we could enlist the help of N.C. State's school of agriculture; they might be of some use for this kind of work.

There are several other projects around campus that seem to have no end in sight, as I'm sure you all have noticed, but I'll stop here. I would propose that whenever they're finally done with current projects that they knock down Student Stores and the Undergrad. Gosh, I guess they never heard of architectural congruity back in the '60s.

UNC -- The University of Negroes and Communists

There is a rumor that one of our "great" soon to be ex-senators referred to this University as such among other things. I guess it's not the White Cultural Center, as I referred to it last week; instead it's an institute with nothing but Negroes and leftists. I'm assuming that by "Negroes," the senator was referring to all those damn African-Americans we recruit to play basketball.

We are full of those Commies too, out in the Pit playing Anti-War Jeopardy and such. Gosh, I would really be concerned if they were running campaign ads with a black hand taking money out of a white man's hand for instance. ... Oh wait, I'm thinking of someone else.

UNC -- United 'N Conversion

The wall of separation between church and state, as espoused by Thomas Jefferson, was definitely a good thing (the last TJ reference you'll ever hear from me unless it's dissing his University of Vociferous Arrogance to the north).

Yes, I've decided that if I had the Good Book shoved in my face in high school like it is here, I would have converted to Judaism or even the mystical voodoo religions one might find in the Caribbean.

Religious support groups and communities on campus are fine; they can be a real asset to those individuals spiritually and socially. I just question the level of fanaticism displayed by sign-carrying proselytizers in the Pit and Koreshian-like cults. I don't mind intellectual debate on religion or spiritual enrichment, but telling me or anyone else that we are going to Hell only makes us ignore such proclamations more.

You can see that UNC is just not the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, but is as it was meant to be, as Charles Kuralt stated so eloquently, a University of the people -- construction workers, "Negroes," Communists, fanatical cults and all the rest of us.

Anyone who wants to contribute their ideas for other acronyms can reach Ken at kchandle@email.unc.edu.