I think I'm afraid of everyone changing. I'm afraid of people moving on and forgetting their past. I dread the thought of every conversation turning into (as we Carolina students do best with our Southern drawl):
"Heeeeeeey, how are you doing?"
"Good, how are you?"
"Good."
"Good."
I'm afraid that when we move on from this place, we're going to forget how Carolina has changed us.
I think almost everyone was ready to move on from high school, especially after those god-awful valedictorian speeches at graduation. People grew out of high school -- it became too petty, too gossipy and too small.
But college is different. Part of college is about growing into yourself, without any high school strings attached, without the reputations from fourth grade as the tomboy, teacher's pet or so-and-so's little sibling.
College is so significant because it offers a unique environment for thousands of people to find their place. Over four (or five or six) years, college provides a haven for every individual to find a person to relate to, a class to love or a niche.
Our friends offer us this comfort -- seen us in every occasion. They've been through the breakdowns, exams, broken hearts, won and lost games and the fun times. They know our multiple personalities and don't care which one we reveal at any time.
College is about making these connections. Whether it's making an enemy or starting a friendship, someone will make a mark on your college experience that will change you.
We make connections that are ultimately broken, too. As humans, we make mistakes -- some forgivable, some not. Our best friends will betray us in unthinkable ways. Our hearts will be broken and our outlook and judgment trampled. People will disrespect us, and then they'll cower when confronted with their despicable actions.
Lately, our nature as college students has been a little more apparent to me. This weekend I fought with almost every one of my close friends, and yet I came out having a better understanding of my fears and our friendships.
I guess the reason why I got in so many spats this weekend is because I'm scared of moving on and being alone, or not moving on and being alone. Now I realize that being alone doesn't imply a lack of purpose or belonging. Our existence -- alone or not -- doesn't mean that our lives are wholly futile. Our daily decisions and actions are likely microscopic in the plight of the modern world.
At the same time, whether we are moving ahead or just being does not mean we will lose our feeling of belonging.
Whatever it is, the human condition indeed remains unique. We are biologically programmed for survival, and yet in the process of trying to survive, we live American lives based on desires, personal plans for the American Dream and simple (selfish) self-fulfillment.
We cheat, lie, steal, sin, do whatever on a regular basis, and yet at our core we all offer some talent, heart, love or some characteristic that makes us important.
I realize that it is human nature to move forward at certain points in our lives.
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When I look around Carolina, I'm grateful that I decided to attend this amazing school. Honestly, I can't imagine being anywhere else. Carolina has offered more opportunities than I could've imagined. But more than that, Carolina allowed me to find my niche and my friends. Classes haven't only opened me up to thinking new things, but Carolina's whole environment has made me more comfortable in my ability to stick up for what I believe in -- ideas or friends. I've grown to like myself for what I offer and not for how people perceive me.
I've made my connections. I never expected betrayal, and I never expected regrets. Of course that's naive. I do have my college regrets: trusting someone else too much and not trusting myself enough.
But for me, the past four years have offered so many different learning experiences. I came to this school a scared, scrawny, impressionable 17-year-old and will leave a much more experienced, educated cynic.
I'll leave and move on from my comfort of friends and familiarity to a greater, bustling world where my place is yet to be determined.
But I've figured out that our human nature is a constant cycle of moving and changing. Just when campus finally felt like home, we move forward, leave everything that is familiar and become a stronger person for it.
Johanna Costa congratulates Carolina's class of 2002. She can be reached at costa@email.unc.edu.
