Barometer

Kindness Punished

Basketball players Will Johnson and Jonathan Holmes got a one-game suspension for playing in a charity tourney. In other news, NCAA officials robbed a homeless man and took candy from babies.

Golf Carts, Away!

Student leaders are eliminating the wasteful safe escort program. They plan to take the group's golf carts and hold a demolition derby in the quad.

Teen Angst

Students had a semi-riot last Friday lining up to see Eminem's movie "8 Mile." Drawing on the event for inspiration, Eminem is preparing a new song titled "Cleaning Out the Union."

Water Wars

Olde Campus Lower Quad won the Water Wars competition for conserving the most water. Great job guys! Now go flush your toilets and shower.

Tar Heel Quotables

"I imagine we'll fund less than was requested."

N.C. Sen. Charles Carter, D-Buncombe

On the ability of state legislators to meet the UNC system's budget request. "Fund less" is politician-speak for "Here's a dime, be sure you don't spend it all in one place."

"Some of it is kids tampering with clocks."

Facilities Services Employee Joe Emory

On classroom clocks that can't tell time accurately. What kind of a sick freak gets off by tampering with a poor clock that's just trying to tell the right time?

"People will put logos on anything. ... We're trying to keep it from getting trashy."

Marketing Director Michael Beale

On keeping the integrity of UNC's logo. That's fine, just as long as we can keep our new UNC booty shorts.

"If they want to walk and chew gum at the same time, they can do it."

Sen. Edwards Spokesman Mike Briggs

About Congress's lame-duck session. They might be able to handle two things at once, but don't ask them to pat their heads unless you want government to shut down completely.