Internet provides glorious diversion

On Oct. 4, 1957, as countries around the world battled for technological dominance in the height of the atomic era, the USSR launched Sputnik I.

Even though it was just a small bleeping metallic sphere, the technological implications were flooring. The world's people shuddered in collective fear at the possibilities.

In response, the American government created the Advanced Research Projects Agency, a division of the Ministry of Defense dedicated to employing state-of-the-art technology to protect America.

With that in mind, John Licklider, who was appointed to head the computer research branch of ARPA in 1962, envisioned a system of computers sharing information across great distances, capitalizing on advancements from several independent think tanks.

Over the course of 30 years, Licklider's ambitious project grew and transformed, finally becoming the World Wide Web. The Internet presented people with near-endless opportunities to share information, all for the benefit of mankind.

Smut peddlers have ruled ever since.

The Internet is the first form of media with limitless potential. With only a few key strokes, you can access the complete, unedited works of William Shakespeare, discover the mean temperature range of Nova Scotia or hear a fiery reading of "Beowulf" in Old English.

How do you think I found out all that stuff about the pinkos and their commie spaceships?

It's a gateway to the future, free expression in its purest form.

It's the exchange of ideas and open dialogue taken to an infinite degree, without filters, focus or policing. It's efficient, powerful and boundless - it's a beautiful thing.

But no one I know uses it that way, myself included. Instead, the Internet is just a much more efficient way to waste your time.

With the use of multiple windows, I can at once watch old clips of "Saturday Night Live," check on the score of the Chicago Cubs game, laugh at people with hideous mullets, rate the fecal deposits of people from around the world and skip through my favorite porn sites.

But my personal weakness only proves that the Internet is exactly what it is meant to be: a place where you can say or do anything. It isn't exactly high art - though Homestar Runner comes close - but at least people are creating.

And as meaningless or stupid as this deluge of distractions might be, at least we're getting what we want.

Books, music, radio, television. They're all cold and sterile, forcing you to bend to the will of the medium. But the Internet is hot, interactive; whatever you want, now.

On virtual-bubblewrap.com, you can spend hours popping computer-generated Bubble Wrap sheets. On moviepoopshoot.com, you can disparage angry teenage boys for liking "Resident Evil: Apocalypse." On ebaumsworld.com, you can hear the troops of G.I. Joe give faux-public service announcements. You can test your knowledge of '80s hair metal, hit a penguin with a bat or browse through thousands of pictures of dogs dressed as humans (seriously ... thousands).

With endless possibilities, we've produced endless stupidity - it's perfect.

There's this commercial for Road Runner high-speed Internet service that shows a man frantically clicking through hundreds of windows on his computer screen. After a few moments, an alert pops up, telling the man he has seen everything that the Internet has to offer.

The End. Fin. Game Over.

Funny? Yes. Feasible? Hardly. Lonely teens, panting women and bad poets are much too prolific.

So, here's to you, ARPA. Without you, I never would have seen heavy metal kittens perform "Gay Bar," middle-aged men couldn't have blogged about their political views, and teenage boys would still be stealing the underwear section of the Sears Catalog.

God bless Mother Russia.

Contact Nick Parker, a senior journalism and English major, at panic@email.unc.edu.