Bring on the commercial(s)

Pretend you're the guy who watches the Super Bowl to see football in between the commercials. (Okay maybe you don't have to pretend that hard.)

But let's suppose that you're also the guy who wants more commercial time instead of a halftime show.

Well picture this: A single riveting block of airwave transmission during halftime where sponsors pool their collective slogans jingles characters and celebrities into one epic narrative — a Supercommercial. Imagine …

LeBron James turns off his alarm and rolls out of bed wearing a sharp" pin-striped suit. He takes a suave glance at his full-length mirror. ""Armani"" he says with effect.

LeBron reaches his hand into his pocket and pulls out an iPhone. Screen turns pink save for LeBron's silhouette and headphones.

Hokey Pokey plays. LeBron rocks out — right foot in, right foot out, right foot in … phone rings.

LeBron does the nifty slide-to-unlock thingamajig, while an announcer recites: And now"" another priceless pep talk from Peyton Manning.""

MasterCard logo appears. ""‘Bron" Peyton here. You are the King King James. All hail you" my man.""

As Manning's talking" LeBron peeks back into the mirror and doesn't see himself — rather" it's Michael Jordan staring back.

""You can't be the King until you dethrone the King" M.J. says.

And if you want to be King" you need to emanate energy AND experience. Just For Men Touch of Gray will give you that.""

""Now fly like an eagle"" King James."" The ""Space Jam"" hero tosses a can of Red Bull through the mirror to LeBron" who chugs it sprouts wings and takes off.

In flight" LeBron passes a commercial plane. Camera cuts to shot of the cockpit. The pilot sees LeBron and shrieks like a banshee.

""(Ding!) Wanna get away?""

LeBron lands at a T-Mobile store. ""I need a Sidekick"" he says.

Inside, Beyonce approaches. Lemme upgrade ya"" she tells LeBron. He says he likes it, and he's gonna put a ring on it.

He hands her a Red Bull, and they fly to Central Park.

LeBron asks a duck, You know where the King is?"" ""Aflaac!"" He asks a lizard the same thing. ""Can't say I do" mate" but I can save you 15 percent on your auto insurance."" A polar bear gives LeBron a Coke.

Finally"" a homeless dude doesn't know but asks LeBron for some change to buy a Whopper.

""Aha!"" LeBron exclaims. Cut to a shot of Burger King headquarters.

""I always liked Mickey D's better"" Beyonce says. Guess that makes me a Nuggnut.""

They approach the building and find the BK King being his usual creepster self.

LeBron whips out a Beer-zuka (self-explanatory) and opens fire.

The King takes a Bud Light in the knee. ""The difference is drinkability" LeBron says. A Miller Lite to the stomach. I am the commissioner of the More Taste League" fool."" Loads a Coors Lite into the chamber. ""Silver Bullet's comin' for you now"" burger punk.""

Then the King starts sobbing"" and a package of Milwaukee's Best Light crashes down on him like the Wicked Witch of the East.

""The King is dead"" LeBron says. Long live the King."" King James flashes his money-maker grin" throws out his arms in jubilation and the screen cuts to black.

Look folks the Super Bowl halftime show — with old rockers singing ancient songs (no offense to Bruce Springsteen) — needs a major jolt.

Something fresh something chock full of the Super Bowl ads people wait all year for. That something is the Supercommercial.

Now am I an expert on TV ratings programming decisions and whatnot? Heck no.

But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.



Contact Sam Rosenthal at samrose@email.unc.edu.