How to win the Faux-Olympics

For many Olympic athletes, the road to Vancouver started at a young age and required hours of training, because only one in the world could win the gold. That means it’s too late for most of you to compete.

But even if you’re less athletically gifted, you can play like an Olympian. Or at least play games that loosely resemble Olympic games. Gather a group of willing competitors and see who rises to the challenge.

The Biathalon

 MCT/Steve Ringman

Olympic biathlon competitors race skis to shooting ranges, where they use rifles to shoot targets. The biathlon represents all the fun of racing with the added challenge of marksmanship. Get the same thrill even when there’s no snow.

What you need: Water guns and roller blades

How to play: Race through campus on roller blades from the Old Well to the Dean Smith Center, all while shooting every blue light emergency post along the way with a water gun. Whoever has the fastest time and shoots the most targets wins.

How to win the gold: Avoid causing any collateral damage. Add five seconds to the time for every civilian hit. Add 10 seconds if the person retaliates.

Curling

MCT/Larry Wong

Though Olympic curling is played on ice, the Pit works just as well as a venue to demonstrate precision and accuracy.

What you need: A broom for every player and 10 soccer balls

How to play: Divide into two teams. The first player stands behind one of the trees and carefully rolls the ball through the Pit and as close to the other tree as possible, with teammates sweeping leaves and dirt in front of the ball to control it. Each team gets 10 shots, and whichever team gets the ball closest to the tree on average wins.

How to win the gold: Get the Pit preacher to join your team.

Figure Skating

MCT/George Bridges

Forget the triple axle and the death spiral. It’s all about confidence. As long as you have the right look and one signature move, everybody will think you’re a more
talented skater than you actually are.

What you need: Ice skates, extravagant costume with lots of fringe and glitter.

How to play: Travel to a nearby ice rink, like the Triangle Sportsplex in Hillsborough, and pull a two-foot spin. You wind up and push off to one direction, using the momentum to spin in place. Keep one foot turned in and never look down.

How to win the gold: Make sure to bring a posse of people who can’t skate as well as you.

The Luge

MCT/Wally Skalij

The real luge races require participants to sled down ice hills at high speeds. So send your drinks down a shot luge — it provides all the excitement of extreme speeds, minus the sleds.
What you need: Enough liquor to supply all willing participants older than 21 and an ice luge mold, available at many novelty stores.

How to play: A few days before the event, pour cold water into the luge mold and let freeze until it turns to ice.
Once the track is ready, each team places a shot glass under a luge path. Official “referees” pour shots at the top of the track, and teams wait for the alcohol to flow down the luge and into their waiting shot glass.

How to win the gold: Everyone who acts responsibly is a winner by the end of the night.