Oh, the DTR, or “define-the-relationship”: A watershed moment for many couples. Some take it on immediately after starting to date; some let it float nebulously for months.
Are we casual or serious? Friends or more than friends? Monogamous or not? Establishing these rules is crucial to assessing and reducing one’s risk of STI transmission, and according to a recent study, we aren’t always on the same page.
In the upcoming issue of the Journal of Sex Research, Jocelyn Warren and her colleagues at Oregon State University looked at interviews from 434 heterosexual couples about monogamy. That is, the agreement to not get sexually involved with anyone else besides the partner. These couples each consisted of a female 18-25 years old and a male over 18.
Just over half of the couples reported that they had discussed and chosen to be monogamous.
But a third of the couples gave different answers on whether they had even discussed monogamy, and 40 percent of those disagreed on whether they had decided to be monogamous.
If a couple did decide to be monogamous, did each member of the couple keep that promise? Fifty-five percent disagreed on whether the male had kept it, and 50 percent disagreed on whether the female had.
Interestingly, the couples who were married were not significantly more likely to have made an explicit monogamy agreement, but couples with children were less than half as likely to have done so.
These findings confirm previous studies in 2004 and 2006 showing that many couples have not discussed monogamy or, at least, do not agree if they had.
What are some possible reasons? Some couples might be hesitant to bring up monogamy as part of a larger communication about sex and sexual health; others might be avoiding the discussion in order to avoid defining the relationship on that front. One person might be assuming monogamy based on time or relationship status; another might have interpreted a conversation differently.
