A degree in four minutes, not years

The bad news:
Budget cuts have reduced the University to nothing but a single professor operating a Twitter account. He alone must provide a full education through bite-sized summaries, lessons and assignments.

The good news:
Getting a degree now only takes four minutes, not four years.

More bad news:
Through some cosmic joke, I’m the aforementioned final professor. Here’s your new curriculum:

Arts
Abstract is hot, realism is not.

Science
The world is a crazy, complicated place we still don’t understand.

Science w/ lab
The world is a crazy, complicated place we still don’t understand, so use proper safety techniques and stay alert.

North America (United States)
Go USA!

Local Relations
Extra credit for starting a charity of some kind that aids locals.

International Relations
Extra credit for starting a charity of some kind that aids foreigners.

The World Before 1750
(TMI)

Classic Literature
Don’t judge a book by its cover, judge it by its movie.

Spanish
¿Hablas Inglés?

French
Parlez-vous anglais?

Swahili
Mimi hapa kwa upendo
Nilianza kwa ajili ya
mikopo ya ziada.

Environmental Studies
Your environment is wherever and whatever you want it to be. Go crazy.

Journalism
Retweet this post successfully for a passing grade.

Anatomy
Write about the body part you will most miss once the technological singularity occurs, digitizing our brains and rendering our physical forms obsolete.

Sexual Education
Sorry, I wouldn’t know.

Math
Calculate how to correctly split the bill with friends when ordering delivery pizza for a passing grade.

Geometry
Cut a circular pizza into eight even triangles for a passing grade.

Political Science
Describe and analyze your favorite political sex scandal. Extra credit for politicians with a name that rhymes with the body part selected for anatomy.

Business
How to manage wealth as a patron of college athletics.

Film Studies
Choose one film from the original Star Wars trilogy and explain why it is the best movie ever made.

Astronomy
My Very Energetic Mother Just Ordered Us Nine Pizzas

Studio Art
Begin training now for long periods without food.Case studies provided by the Office of Fraternity and Sorority life.Go Heels! (Or else!)

Social and Behavioral Sciences
Case studies provided by the Office of Fraternity and Sorority life.

Sports Management
Go Heels! (Or else!)