The no-teeth lifestyle

You have just enjoyed a fine lunch at Lenoir and have made your way to the escalator to begin your descent. Your grimy pockets are stuffed with oranges and bruised apples and your spirits are high.

But you realize that you have forgotten your jacket. You can see it sitting right where you left it on that unwashed table next to the honey glazed ham.

You are faced with a choice. Option one: Calmly walk up to the register, politely explain the situation and proceed up the escalator to grab your jacket. Option two: Take a quick look behind you, skippity-doo-da up the down escalator at full speed and reclaim what is yours (and grab another banana or two while you’re up there).

If you chose option two, you are living the no-teeth lifestyle.

The three pillars of the no-teeth lifestyle have been passed down for generations and according to most scholars, are roughly as follows.

Pillar one: Disregard all social standards and notions of social acceptability. If you find yourself in an 8 a.m. class with required attendance, you could wake up at 7 a.m. like most students and have a socially acceptable breakfast at Top of Lenoir.

Or, you can pack a toaster oven and several Eggo waffles into your backpack and breakfast like a champ in the back row.

Pillar two: The use of the “double nope” and other such debate strategies. The double nope is a form of debate strategy where you counter any opposition with a simple double “nope.”

If you have ever had a conversation like this, you might be living it no-teeth:

Roommate: “I’m gonna go downstairs and do my laundry”

You: “Nope.”

Roommate: “No I really think I need to, I’m all out of underwear.”

You: “Nope.”

Roommate: “Yeah I guess you’re right, I’ll just wash a pair in the sink for tomorrow.”

The logic and grace of the argument was so stunningly simple and refreshing, that it couldn’t possibly lose.

And in a stunning twist of events, it turns out that your roommate, too, has a little no-teeth lifestyle waiting to spring forth.

Pillar three: No apologies.

According to some scholars, “no apologies” is the most essential of the three pillars.

If you get caught red-handed grabbing an unlocked bike from the Pit and rolling out to save time on your trip home, kindly tell the person they should lock it next time.

If you are scolded for stuffing your pants pockets full of bananas in Lenoir, toss them over the escalator and pretend you never had them. The complete denial of blame in the face of confrontation is a hallmark of the no-teeth lifestyle.

As you go about your day and encounter little decisions just like these, take an extra moment to think about the liberation of the no-teeth lifestyle and the leaps and bounds our society has to gain from embracing it.