How the DNC burst my balloon

CHARLOTTE — For many, it was 1968 all over again.

Wednesday, officials with the Democratic National Convention left a dazed nation scrambling to pick up the pieces after the announcement that — because of a last-minute change of venue — there would be no balloons.

Police fired pepper spray, confetti and silly string into the crowds in a desperate attempt to gain control over the unruly protestors. Dozens refused to stop pouting.

Still, it was going to take a lot more than a little protest and a chance of precipitation to keep this dogged reporter from covering this story from the convention floor. But canceling everyone’s community passes pretty much did it.

In the end, the last day of the convention felt like one big missed opportunity. Before 50,000 Obama ticket-holders were told their services wouldn’t be needed, hosting the DNC was expected to solidify N.C. in the blue column and pump up to $200 million into the state’s economy, mostly in parking.

Without balloons, what was the point? What did we have left? The speeches?

Please. This is too important of a moment for America for just talk. The country doesn’t need to see once-beloved, senile has-beens rambling on unscripted and incoherently, even if Clinton does bring up the ratings in prime-time.

And four years into Obama’s administration, we sure don’t need more soaring rhetoric. We all remember how desperately we tried to believe promises we knew in our heart he wouldn’t or couldn’t keep: that he’d save us from the financial ruin, that we’d stop the oceans from rising and that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson would always be together.

So forget about the prose. How about the real solutions?

Like celebrities.

Admittedly, both sides had us pretty well covered there. The Democrats had A-listers like Scarlett Johansson and Eva Longoria. George Clooney was spotted jogging along N. Tryon Street with Honey Boo Boo. And not to be outdone, the GOP had brought out its top Hollywood brass, Clint Eastwood — and an extra from NCIS.

Then there’s the music. You could talk to me all day about the issues, but unless you play a classic R&B song when you’re finished, how can I really be expected to relate?

Countless missed historical opportunities prove my point. Imagine, for instance, how much more powerful Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address could have been if he had just ended it to “Think” by Aretha Franklin.

But the absence of balloons betrays a lack of seriousness to tackle today’s issues.

These are desperate times. And no matter which side of the political spectrum you fall on, one fact is indisputable: One of these men is going to be our next president. If that doesn’t scare you, what will?

After all, this is the most important election in our lifetime.

(Silence.)

(Confetti drops.)