Last week, a newly discovered 4th century shred of paper quotes Jesus as having a wife, prompting strong skepticism from the Vatican and inciting furious nuns everywhere to burn his stuff in the front yard.
The story is, Christ met Mary Magdalene, a prostitute, and fell in love despite her vocation. Think of it like “Pretty Woman,” but with Jesus and a much worse soundtrack.
The wedding was low-key — Stone Pontious Pilots played, and the dinner choice was fish or 4,000 loaves of bread — but the revelation itself has been anything but.
The Church’s reaction has me confused — am I supposed to be against straight marriage now? And if Jesus was Father, Son and Holy Spirit, doesn’t this make him a polygamist?
Maybe the Church is worried about his image. I mean, if you take the life this guy lived and throw in a family, suddenly he looks less like a deity and more like, well, a deadbeat…
Dream-like waves and hypnotic music fade into…
Nazareth. Studio apartment. Jesus, Mary M. and the kids eat silently — tension in the air.
M: (mock cheer) Guess what came in the mail today, children? The bill from Daddy going berserk and striking the taxman — isn’t that wonderful? You won’t have to go to college now! In fact, this will probably be our last supper!
J: (sigh) I’ll pick up more gigs…
