UNC ’12: come what Mayan

Can you believe it? There’s only 21 more shopping days ‘til Christmas, and 17 more days ‘til the End of Days!

Mark your Mayan calendars, folks: the world is scheduled to end on Friday, Dec. 21 — which, now that we know about it, is going to totally make that whole workweek drag by. (I mean, they couldn’t foresee weekends?)

And while most historians believe there’s no validity to this interpretation of the Mayan calendar whatsoever, they’ve agreed to pretend there might be anyways, just to scare the living crap out of everyone.

So, seeing how much less time you may have to finish the UNC bucket list, here are the most essential experiences every Tar Heel must check off before the end of classes and the world:

1. Make it into the DTH by sending in a kvetch, or by being criminally implicated in at least one professionally led investigation of your academic department.

2. Sit in on a student government meeting. Marvel at levels of dedication, emotional and psychological damage.

3. Pretend to, then actually fire the ROTC cannon.

4. Visit the basketball museum. See Michael Jordan’s jersey, Matt Doherty asleep, unresponsive on gift shop floor.

5. Dance at Players. Ponder meaning of existence, “Gangnam Style.”

6. Write an essay for a UNC varsity athlete.

7. Visit a professor during office hours. Hand in varsity athlete’s essay.

8. When world banks crash, rendering all currencies worthless, show up to pay off campus parking tickets. Act totally stunned.

9. Introduce yourself to Chancellor Thorp, fly private jet with him to your kid’s NBA game.

10. Study, or smuggle drugs, abroad.

11. Order from a food truck in Carrboro. Distract the cook while your friend siphons gas.

12. Attend a Board of Trustees meeting totally tripping balls.

13. Watch the sun set, crash into Earth from the eighth floor of Davis Library.

14. Listen to and discretely hide behind the Pit Preacher.

15. PREGAME!!!!!!!

16. Rush Franklin after beating Duke in survivors.

17. Have your picture taken with Rameses and the seven-headed beast.

18. Spend an all-nighter at the UL, working to decide who in your group gets eaten first.

19. Climb the Bell Tower, defeat the Gim Ghoul and toss your senior ring into the fires of Morehead.

20. Follow-up on internship applications.

21. In last seconds, try loudly mentioning to friend in class that if any girl just happened to be, like, “Hey, you wanna just make out like crazy right now?” you’d probably totally be down, because it’s the end of the world and, I mean, YOLO, right? … But yeah, it’s whatever.

22. When everyone is gone and existence as we know it has ceased, receive the following text: “This is Alert Carolina with an important message about the apocalypse…”

Memet Walker is a columnist from the Daily Tar Heel. He is a junior political science major from Chapel Hill. Contact him at memet@unc.edu.