Quickhits for Jan. 17, 2013

Fighting Lie-rish

Wednesday, Deadspin broke the weirdest story in sports since at least whatever the last thing Dennis Rodman did was. The details are complicated, but the gist is that Notre Dame superstar Manti Te’o fabricated a heartbreaking story about a girlfriend who died of leukemia. But it gets worse…

Forever alone

Not only did the girlfriend not date Te’o or die of
leukemia, but she didn’t even exist. Theories explaining Teo’s truly epic lie run the gamut from psychosis to Heisman-hunting conspiracy. Whatever the case, this just goes to show that Notre Dame fans are just the worst kind of people.

That took ball(s)

In an interview recorded Monday night, cyclist and bracelet enthusiast Lance Armstrong told Oprah that he had used performance-enhancing drugs in his Tour de France victories. Though disheartening, the nightmare is finally over. Never again will Americans have to pretend to care about anything in France.

The Human Fund

College Humor recently launched a scholarship for what they call “average students” who fall, as George Costanza so delightfully put it, “right in that meaty part of the curve.” Upon hearing of the scholarship, thousands of average students collectively cried, “Eh,” andreturned to Netflix.

Go, nobody!

N.C. State beat Duke in Raleigh on Saturday, in a game that pushed the minds and hearts of UNC fans to their absolute limits. It’s like asking a parent to pick which child is their favorite, except if you replaced “child” with “joke of an institution” and “favorite”with “most devoid of any redeeming quality.”

Siri, come back!!!!

UNC student Anisah Jabar had her iPhone snatched out of her hand
on Monday. Don’t worry though, Jabar went into Superwoman mode and managed to chase down the iThief and get her phone back. The man who stole her phone deserves the worst punishment possible. Like a Droid.