This year, cast a vote for apathy

At around 9:00 p.m. on Tuesday, feelings of apathy and dread overwhelmed me.

Perplexed and a bit afraid, I logged into my Facebook profile seeking insight on these feelings (because obviously my Facebook news feed provides me with guidance on the innermost struggles of my soul).

Upon viewing my news feed, I let out a sound that encompassed a gasp/sigh/groan.

Five words triggered this reaction as I finally understood what caused my dark feelings: the student body general election.

Yes, my friends, Tuesday night was cold not because of climate change or natural weather patterns, but because of the campus-wide phenomenon called nobody-gives-a-damn.

When the icy doors of student elections were propped open as certain Tar Heels announced their self-obsessive inclinations, campus was blanketed with indifference.

I was surprised that my Facebook suggested otherwise with the numerous statuses linked to websites that featured the 2013 student body president candidates who, similar to their predecessors, seemed as extraordinary and unique as a box of unfrosted corn flakes.

“I love Carolina” and “I want to change student government” (like we haven’t heard those before) littered the websites of these students, inducing disturbing premonitions of walks across campus in which I would have to awkwardly react to solicitations for signatures and votes with my sincere lack of interest.

In light of last year’s elections, in which only 4,507 students voted out of the 29,278 enrolled at UNC, I would say I align with the majority. Furthermore, as a staunch advocate for apathy with credible experience in Student Government under three student body presidents, I am here to tell you that indifference is okay!

Let me tell you why you should join me this year in not caring about student government elections:

• Whoever gets elected to student government positions, no matter how capable, will attract a strong team of advisers and fellow student government leaders who will offset their incompetence.

• No matter how much you care about the election now, once those individuals get elected, there will be little news coverage (particularly from The Daily Tar Heel) on keeping these candidates accountable. I recommend saving your time to practice your …

• … Acting skills! When you see campaigners in the Pit, you can pretend you are a celebrity to avoid awkward encounters. I suggest wearing extra big sunglasses around campus with your headphones in at all times as you pretend to type texts or relisten to voicemails.

So this year, I encourage you to vote for apathy. You won’t be disappointed, because you just won’t care.

Happy elections!