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You can spot a few around any Carolina game: the slurred speech, poor reflexes, stumbling around the student risers — but enough about the players. (Rim shot.)

This week, I’d like to talk about drinking at campus sports — more specifically, how much it totally sucks that those of us of age can’t do it.

I asked staff who have been around campus for years why that is and, without fail, most responded with the kind of glossy stare that usually precedes blowing into a breathalyzer.

Sure, unwise alcohol use “undermines the intellectual climate of the University,” according to UNC policy. But why should faculty have a monopoly on doing that?

It turns out state law also limits the sale of alcohol at public university events.

Here, only the Blue Zone in Kenan Stadium can do it, according to senior associate athletic director Rick Steinbacher. A special permit is given to it because of its small size, exclusivity and the fact money from sales goes toward facilities and scholarships.

But if the goal is charity, why would we want a cap put on it? Would you tell Girl Scouts they can only sell those nasty shortbread cookies?

“You could change the law,” he said. “But that’s hard to do.”

Well, you know what they say, nothing hard is ever worth doing. And vendors at the Smith Center weren’t any more excited about it than Steinbacher.

“People get drunk enough before they come out here,” one of them told me.

But maybe because their pre-game buzz has to last two and a half hours?

“Amis Chapel Baptist Church,” another said, pointing at his shirt. “I’m telling you, if you’re selling alcohol here, we wouldn’t be here.”

Hey, I grew up Catholic; not only did we drink wine, it was in a souvenir cup.

“If you bring alcohol in here, you’ll scare people away,” he said. “No alcohol!”

It all left me feeling alone in the Dean Dome crowd, with more questions than ever. Were they right? Was I the only who cared? Oh god, can I pee in a trough sober?

To me, it’s the principle. It just isn’t fair to let some people drink and others not if they’re 21. So, I wondered, which one of the student body presidential candidates agreed?

I met all five, none of whom I knew or had any preference for ahead of time.

My goal was to find the one who shared my values and thoughtful approach to the issues ­— except Kevin Claybren, who texted the whole time, so forget that jerk.

Which one of them, given the authority, would allow beer to be sold to students of age at games this very minute? Even among the ones who drank, there was only one.

British Christy Lambden, or as I like to call him, Christy and Crumpets.

So this year, if you vote for president, don’t ask which of them you’d like to have a beer with.

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Ask which one of them would even want to let you.