People always talk about how newspapers are simply too slow in reporting the news. By the time you see something in the paper, your high school dropout friend has already offered his asinine, ill-informed take on Twitter.
No more, this editorial board says. If you’re gonna hear anyone’s asinine, ill-informed take first, it’s going to be ours.
That’s why we’re taking the initiative and offering up some end-of-year opinions on events that have yet to happen. How’s that for timely?
On July 1, Carol Folt will take over for Holden Thorp as chancellor. On July 2, she resigns when she finds out the Miata isn’t part of the perks. This is a wise decision.
In November, in the face of constant press antagonism, UNC will lobby the N.C. General Assembly to change public records law so that requests must be filed via carrier pigeon. The General Assembly passes the measure unanimously.
After the rollicking success of the water theme at UNC, administrators will seek another easily understandable, purposefully vague theme. They eventually narrow it down to “trees,” “animals” and “shapes.”
In 2015, The Daily Tar Heel renames itself The Daily Kvetching Board and ceases publishing anything that doesn’t start with “To the guy who.” Circulation triples.
In 2016, Student Congress tries to overthrow the student body president in a bloody coup d’etat. This goes entirely unnoticed among the student body.
In 2019, the Department of Public Safety sends an “all clear” warning informing students that Hurricane Sandy has passed by North Carolina unharmed.
