Kvetching Board for April 19, 2013

kvetch:
v.1 (Yiddish) to complain

UNC: Voted #1 Plant Sex Life by Playboy Magazine.

To people who answer rhetorical questions in class: Do you want me to slap you?

Welcome to Chapel Hill, the city where the birds never sleep and chirp all night outside your dorm.

To the couple making out across from me: I know it’s the library, but can you review your anatomy elsewhere?

Joke’s on you, Shooters. We got kicked out LAST week.

To the DTH: Thanks for teaching us how to make the perfect fake ID.

Shout out to pollen for giving me the opportunity to follow the yellow brick road.

To the girl wearing wedges and a short dress in the UL: I think your attire is more suited for the eighth floor of Davis.

Dear bros: If your thighs jiggle as you walk, kindly lengthen your pastel shorts.

To any single girls who played Humans vs. Zombies: I have a tiny gun, if you know what I mean.

To all the losers posting on the “Spotted at UNC” Facebook page because they’re not clever enough to get a kvetch published: Get on my level.

You run without headphones and blast music from your phone? God, you’re cool.

I wonder if Folt will bring Dartmouth’s drinking culture with her. Pull my trigger, brah.

Spring weather: I love you, but you are making it as hard to find a table at TOPO as it was to find one at Lenoir freshman year.

Dear nerdy friends: Stop bragging about your honors thesis page lengths the way that teenage boys brag about penis lengths.

Scooters zipping along on the sidewalk, really? Is UNC suddenly a James Bond film set?

Hope y’all are ready for the CAROLina era! Xoxo, @chanfolt

Seniors: Posting an Instagrammed picture of the Bell Tower after you climb it gets you -10 points at senior bar golf.

Girls in Davis: You got into college, but you still don’t know how to flush a toilet?

Dear Bobby: please change your mailing address. I’m keeping the next paycheck.

To the girl Snapchatting and walking simultaneously: Please don’t.

Hey British guy in the UL: Can you read aloud ALL my course books?

To the boys who hog the squat racks: Squats are what make mine and other women’s asses look good. So MOVE.

Send your one-to-two sentence entries to opinion@dailytarheel.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’