To the Mormons doing their mission on campus: Unless you are bringing Stilman back to UNC, you have no business here.
New University policy: If we can go one week without a scandal or resignation, everyone gets free Bojangles!
To the frat star behind me who asked who Frederick Douglass was: He’s like the Tucker Max of the abolitionist movement, bro.
TOPO Vodka? Eff yeah. Probably tastes like GDI tears.
Duke might have the latest Nobel laureate, but we’ve got Bill Nye coming. UNC 1, Duke 0.
Shouldn’t Student Congress matter before we decide to fix it?
Can the B-schoolers make themselves useful and please fix our Wendy’s?
Can it really be considered hazing if what they’re throwing at you is a delicious Italian meal?
My Febreze can says that it “eliminates odors and freshens,” but I’ve been spraying it constantly and Freshens is still here…
Just used the battery from my electric toothbrush to replace the battery in my vibrator. I really need to get laid.
Congrats, Human vs. Zombies participants! You’ve reached virginity level 9,000!
To the moron who unplugged the jukebox at late night because he didn’t like the song I chose: I’d hate to be your grandma on life support.
Thanks to the 40:60 ratio, I had to go to the dark side, Duke, to get some action. What did karma give me in return? A UTI.
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To the Carrboro resident who spotted a UFO while pissing outside on his compost pile: Whatever hippie drink got you that drunk, send it my way.
I think if we all died and went to hell, we’d just wind back up in Davis during finals week.
DTH, I think you graded our SBP easier than the AFAM department grades football players.
To the people who care about the Mr. and Miss UNC election: Zip up your college! Your high school is poking out.
I’m not the only one who giggles when the bus drives by and the sign says “A Weiner,” right?
Even funnier than “A Weiner” is “S Tripper.” I have no respect for buses like that. Everyone’s been on them.
To the Non-Athletic Regular People, aka “NARPs:” Do not go to La Res. It’s embarrassing how much you don’t belong.
Genome Science Building: Making seniors feel like first-years since 2012.
To the guy demanding Roy’s resignation as basketball coach: Go home. You’re drunk.
My favorite part about Connect Carolina is when you have to log out before you can log in. Cool feature!
Beyonce for SBP.
UNC SBP races: Where the platforms are made up and endorsements don’t matter.
I really hope all the SCOTUS justices I’m Facebook friends with are swayed by my new profile pic.
This whole “portal to Dook” thing sounds a lot like Chat Roulette.
“I voted for that person for SBP because they yelled the most frequently and the loudest in the Pit.” – No one ever
In protest against annoying Dance Marathon recruiters, I will be holding Sleep Marathon in my bed. FTK.
Ethical dilemma: If I gave up soda for Lent, can I still use my Coke-flavored condom?
I’d like to think that the late-night Morrison fire alarm interrupted a romantic evening with my significant other, but it just turns out that my hand can wait 10 minutes.
Let’s be honest, if Mike Rice had been throwing those basketballs at Duke players, would anybody really care?
