When Carolina dumps you

What do you mean “breaking up?”

Please, just take some time to think it over. Did the past four years not mean anything to you?!

Look, I know things are going to be a little different next year, but that does not mean our relationship is going to change. You and I are one of a kind; nobody can even come close to what we have together.

Do you remember the first day we met? It was such a beautiful day, and I was so nervous. I had never seen anything so gorgeous. The sky was bluer and the trees were greener from that day on. You stole my heart from first glance.

And now, four years later, I can’t even imagine my life without you. This all seems so sudden!

Wait, you anticipated this? I don’t understand… I’m not like those other floozies you’ve been with for the past 224 years. I’m committed to you, and if you think I’m walking away from you so easily, then I guess you don’t know me as well as I thought!

Baby, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so angry just then. Maybe we can do long-distance? I will only be a short plane ride away next year, and I could visit all the time!

You have that beautiful little inn I can stay in, and we can have those romantic picnics in your forest just like we used to. It will be like old times before I got so busy and caught up with work.

No, everything is not “going to be okay!” Yes, I get that we have spent summers away from each other, but this sounds way more permanent.

You know what I tell people from home? I tell them that I bleed you. You literally pump my heart with your love, your rich color. And now I feel like you stabbed me in the heart and this blood will never stop gushing out.

I am so not being dramatic! YOU are the dramatic one! You spent four years seducing me with your scholastic achievement — you’re so smart, I love that about you — and by taking me out on amazing dates (my favorite was when you took me to see “The Nutcracker” at Memorial Hall for the first time; gosh, we’re so adorable together).

And you know the coolest people! The Obamas, Elie Wiesel, Bill Nye the Science Guy … Will they still like me when they find out we are no longer together?

I mean, not that I am supporting this crazy idea of yours. I just know that if it is one thing you taught me, it is to embrace change with optimism and an open mind.

That is what I am trying to do here, but I’m afraid. What happens after this? I have put so much of myself into you that I may become lost when we leave each other.

Ugh, I know we’ll never really leave each other. Yes, of course you will always be in my heart. I will always love you, no matter what.

Fine, let’s go to TOPO. It’ll give us some closure. And I know how much you love your Blueberry Wheat.