To all the freshmen who asked me where the Old Well was: Do you even go here?
To the second floor of Student Stores: I have been been less harassed and violated by the TSA than I have by the folks at book distribution.
Spotting Freshmen 101: You know someone’s a senior when they have a Lenovo, and you know someone’s a freshman if they just asked what a Lenovo was.
To the UNC sign placers: Please do not hang short signs over the edge of the paths, they hurt! Sincerely, a tall person
To the unknown girl who took my hand on Franklin, why do you build me up, buttercup, baby, just to let me down?
To my professor telling us to register for his class on “California Connect,” are you lost?
To the freshmen who have maps pulled up on their smartphones and quite obviously not texting … I think I’ve said enough.
Quick shoutout to all my new homies in Bio 278 who proudly giggled at “Thorndike’s puzzle box”
To the freshman in Lenoir who said “College is hard already!” Oh, honey …
To the freshman in Lenoir who was overwhelmed by the number of choices in salad dressings: I worry about your future here …
To my Excel-modeling teacher who took 20 minutes to log onto the computer, maybe it’s time to let the young guns step in.
To my asshat neighbors: If you want to give me your leftover pizza, please knock on my front door and hand it over. Stop giving it to the squirrels, who just leave it on the ground outside my house to get covered in bugs.
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