Quickhits for August 29, 2013

All good in the Hood

Running back Elijah Hood, the top-rated high school football player in North Carolina, committed to UNC on Tuesday night, a week after decommitting from Notre Dame. Hood was reportedly uncomfortable during his visit to South Bend when his future teammates made fun of him for having a real girlfriend.

There is a God

Functioning alcoholics everywhere rejoiced when Australian scientists revealed a beer that contains electrolytes, eliminating hangovers. Unfortunately, adding electrolytes also lowers the alcohol content of the beer. In related news, Advil, sunglasses and Pepto-Bismol stocks have taken a crippling dive.

Hernandez gets wet

An article in the upcoming issue of Rolling Stone reveals that during the year that led up to his arrest for murder, Aaron Hernandez became addicted to PCP and extremely paranoid. Hernandez’s drug use can reportedly be linked to a miscommunication over the meaning of “angel dust” with Tim Tebow.

Winning Spirits

TOPO Piedmont Gin recently won gold at a spirits competition in Las Vegas. This will help to bring an air of legitimacy and critical acclaim to all local distilleries. Unfortunately, this will be lost on a student population whose favorite drinks are either old Four Loko or Aristocrat vodka mixed with warm Gatorade.

Don’t tell Greg Little

It was announced yesterday that Johnny Manziel will be suspended for the first half of Texas A&M’s Saturday season opener against Rice University. The suspension comes after an investigation into whether Manziel accepted money for autographs. Is the NCAA even trying to seem legitimate anymore?

Poor, poor freshmen

Fraternity rush started on Tuesday, a week later than it has in recent years, prompting outcry from freshmen who had to spend the entire week in their dorms just waiting to go to a frat party. In other fake news, dry rush has been totally successful — there won’t be any hazing, and those drugs really weren’t PJ’s.