Go home America, you're drunk

Title credits fade. We open on a wide shot, panning across the bloody, urban desert. America is a rogue cop, fed up with the bureaucratic nonsense and moral decay of modern society. He hits the streets like a medieval cowboy, cruising through today’s international wasteland, dealing out his own blend of backwoods, home-distillery justice. Vigilante justice, that is.

So look out Lex Luthor; watch out al-Assad, because when grizzled ex-detective America comes back out of retirement, no one is safe from his hairy, irrational bravado.

But wait! “Rogue cop” feels far too 20th-century — and a little too straightforward as far as moral logic is concerned. That’s obviously America for some, but I’m not satisfied yet. Let’s try that again.

America is a superhero (global superpower, right?). But not one of those infallible and covertly jingoistic heroes like Captain America or Superman — although there’s definitely something of America in both of them.

No, America is one of those morally ambiguous heroes, like Batman, the Punisher, the Boondock Saints or someone from “Watchmen.” (And who watches the Watchmen? Certainly not the U.N.)

But letting America be Batman is giving the nation far too much credit. Clever and resourceful? Maybe. Ignorant of laws and customs, here and abroad? Well, yeah. Vengeful and affluent? Most definitely.

But Batman is at least aware of his collateral damage — not to mention subtle (don’t make me laugh, CIA). He has the foresight to understand that his actions have consequences, and that people he hurts might get angry and try to hurt him back.

And then there’s that not insignificant ethical factor about Batman’s aversion to guns and murder. I can’t think of many superheroes who’d feel all right with bombing the biological daylights out of Baghdad or indiscriminately killing with assault drones.

America is a caped crusader, fighting for principles more essential and basic than any “codified set of laws.” It’s funny though that “caped crusader” has “crusade” built right in, which is pretty much modern shorthand for “severely misplaced fervor based on a sense of one’s own cultural or national superiority, easily giving rise to violent irrationality.”

I should be clear: These are Americas of the past (I hope). Bruce Wayne isn’t that bad a guy! And I’m not saying vigilante justice is always inherently wrong. (Lord knows we might’ve used some in Rwanda.)

But America the Exceptional is that crusty old vigilante who keeps dramatically faking his death just to unexpectedly and “reluctantly” come out of retirement again — as soon as another foolish young cop or endangered nation-state comes along to draw him out of the manor and into the street of extralegal intervention one more time.

So let’s get out of that manor on the hill and take it to the streets. We can participate in some round-table discussions and make Gotham a little bit brighter. But let’s put away that cape and cowl for good.