Grand Theft Column V

This week, I write that violent video games make people violent.

It’s gonna be easy. Just throw together a few words scolding people who play them, maybe get a professional to back me up and you’ll be on your way to reading the kvetches before you can even say, “He phoned this one in.”

Tuesday at midnight, stores released the newest in one of the most violent and popular video game series ever made, “Grand Theft Auto V.” The GameStop on Franklin Street had a swarm of college kids lined up.

They’re saying it has new levels of drugs, robberies, heinous crime … and that’s just Franklin Street. (Ba dum bum.)

I looked at the people in line with suspicion. With times becoming more and more violent, was I looking at future killers?

The answer was, of course.

I know firsthand how games can negatively impact you.

I grew up playing “GoldenEye 007” in the ’90s. I spent hours playing it, becoming more and more desensitized. To this day, I still go into a karate-chopping blackout anytime I see a Russian.

I spoke via telephone with James Ivory, an associate professor at Virginia Tech’s department of communication who has researched the effects of violent video games. He’d tell me what I needed to hear.

“There’s very little evidence to correlate video games with serious violent crime,” Ivory said.

Yes, just as I had always susp- … wait, what? Very little evidence?

I could barely contain my game-playing-induced rage. After slamming down the phone and hitting it repeatedly with a bat, I decided to play the new game for myself to prove once and for all, if I spent enough time playing PS3, I could finally intimidate someone physically.

In the new game, one of the main characters, Trevor, is like a meth head Tamagotchi, whom you can make do unspeakably violent things. You can even make him huff gas.

The truth is … I loved it! And in real life, I’m a normal, well-adjusted gas-huffer who would never dream of acting out violently.

I guess what I’m saying is, when it comes to games, we’re less like sponges, and more like … well, giant impenetrable blobs.

So, if there’s very little evidence of a correlation between video games and real-life violent behavior, why does that seem like the opposite of common knowledge?

I suspect most people don’t want to get to the real causes. If young people are getting more violent, video games may be a symptom, but these new parents are definitely the disease.

I mean, the Greeks didn’t worry their kids would come home from “Oedipus” and gouge each other’s eyes out. They trusted them to do it because it was the honorable thing.

I guess what I’m saying is, if we all band together … (nervous, sweating) … um, everything in moderation … dinners as families …

(Takes out, fires gun in air) EVERYONE DOWN, THIS IS A ROBBERY!