Quickhits for September 5, 2013

The Reaping

Rejoice, freshman men — “no booze, no boys” is over. Sorority rush ended yesterday with Bid Day, a chance for each sorority to welcome its new sisters. It’s also a new chance for sorority women to talk behind each other’s backs, get white girl wasted and leave football games halfway through the second quarter.

Football is back

Beginning last Thursday with the biggest Cock block UNC has felt in recent years, college football season is back. Tonight also marks the opening of the National Football League. Surprisingly, the highest-paid player this year already began his season by playing a half against Rice University on Saturday.

You can’t arrest me

On Sunday night John Boyett, a safety for the Indianapolis Colts, was arrested for public intoxication while stating, “You can’t arrest me … I’m a Colts player.” Boyett has since been released from the Colts. Unfortunately for Boyett, “You can’t arrest me … I bag groceries” doesn’t work either.

#EndZoneSwag

UNC football will debut argyle end zones this weekend againt Middle Tennessee State. Frat stars everywhere rejoice. The only question is, does this make UNC any closer to having an SEC environment at Kenan Stadium? No? Well at least people will have a distraction from another 8-4 season.

Mom of the Year

A woman in Yuzhou, China, was pulled over recently for breast-feeding her crying 18-month-old son while weaving in and out of traffic on her moped. This is the type of multitasking and innovation that Americans need to adapt if we want to keep up with China in the global economy. The baby was given a DUI.

Vodka Samm

An Iowa student at last week’s football game tried to enter the field during play, only to be arrested and promptly Breathalyzed. She blew a .341 BAC. Vodka Samm, as she calls herself, tweeted “just went to jail #yolo” and “my mom hates me.” The last time a hangover was this big, Mike Tyson lost a tiger.