Kvetching Board for October 24, 2013

kvetch:
v.1 (Yiddish) to complain

Only at UNC is the football team being bullied by the student body of nerds.

Best prediction of weather in Chapel Hill: Are the sorority girls wearing yoga pants or running shorts?

I’d like to thank the HvZ players for making me think there was an armed gunman on campus last night — really snapped me out of my study coma nicely.

CONNECTCAROLINA GOT WEIRD OH GOD.

To my roommate who submits kvetches about herself and then frames the ones that get in, you take narcissism to a whole new level.

To the smug kvetcher: It is possible to fold a square in half “longways” if you do it on the diagonal.

So the football coaches have become the team’s new math tutors?

To my Local Flora professor: If you really want us to be creative with our team names, Team “FLORAL Sex” and “Morning Woods” should be options.

So who came up with the bright idea to put the Fast for Awareness campaign next to candy apple sales in the Pit?

To the guys in the room next to me holding a competition to see who has the smallest penis: 1. The walls in the dorm are thinner than you think. 2. You’re doing it wrong. 3. Using cold water is an Honor Code violation.

To the UNC football team: After weeks of mean kvetches and Facebook comments, you guys might want a group session with Counseling and Psychological Services.

Dear ConnectCarolina: Congratulations! You have successfully changed the portal without fixing anything.

If you found my lost kitty this week and kept her, just know that I have a particular set of skills — skills I have acquired over a very long career.

How is it possible a guy dumb enough to imitate Alert Carolina to market his social network convinced investors to give him $300K?

I wish my classes were so easy that I had time to write all over N.C. State’s campus with chalk.

I’m pretty sure we could guarantee UNC’s spot as #1 in sex life for the next century if we just oust each year’s HvZ participants. Keep shooting those Nerf guns and you’ll be shooting into your hand all the way through college.

Shoutout to the construction worker who helped me fix my bike after it threw me to the ground: You, sir, are actually off the chain.

Dear senior bar nights, thanks for constantly reminding me that I’m not 21 yet. Signed, self-pitying senior.

Send your one-to-two sentence entries to opinion@dailytarheel.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’