Quickhits for Oct. 15, 2013

False Caucasus

The results of Azerbaijan’s elections were recently annouced, declaring the incumbent president the winner with 73 percent of the vote. Unfortunately, these results were released a day before the elections were held. The president was allegedly upset, as now he will have to make up all new results.

Material girl

Pop sensation Madonna was banned from a movie theater after texting throughout the premiere of “12 Years a Slave” at the New York Film Festival. When asked what she was texting, Madonna replied that she was actually trying to figure out when Steve McQueen came back alive and started directing.

Peep show

Last Friday a student reported a peeping tom in the Connor dormitory showers. Though details were sparse, a notable fact was that the pervert was wearing a Duke sweatshirt. We really thought it couldn’t get much creepier after the “Fuck List,” but students down the road always find a way.

Totally original idea

In an email to students, UNC announced a new portal to ConnectCarolina will be launched on Friday. The development comes after the unofficial ConnectCarolina 2.0’s dismantling earlier this semester. A University source is quoted as saying, “It was like, totally our idea first, stop calling us all copy cats.”

West Point guard

Members of the Duke men’s basketball team posed for a really tough picture with assault rifles during a visit to Coach Krzyzewski’s alma mater, West Point. The players reportedly were only allowed to pull the trigger once then were asked to leave, a testament to their habit of getting bounced after one round.

Scouting out

Thursday’s night football game will break a record for the number of NFL scouts to attend a UNC game with 37 scouts, including five general managers. Many accredit this to Chapel Hill’s Southern hospitality, the new Blue Zone and a view of Miami players that doesn’t require a trip to the bottom of Florida.