Quickhits for October 10, 2013

National Treasure

World-renowned superstar actor Nicolas Cage was finally rewarded for his versatile acting skills as he was named Best Global Actor in Motion Pictures at China’s Huading Awards. Don’t think that this will go unnoticed, China. Flattering America’s greatest treasure hunter with awards won’t turn him against us.

Sneaks on a plane

One man wolfpacks across the country rejoiced last Sunday after a 9-year-old boy snuck on a plane and flew to Las Vegas without a ticket. When asked what he planned to do in Vegas, the young boy claimed he had just been potty-trained and wanted to test his craps skills against the best that the world has to offer.

Quit Stalin, Russia

Despite being repeatedly doused with vodka, the Olympic torch has been extinguished four times during its trip across Russia, delaying the famed Olympic torch relay. Why are we trying to promote tolerance to our Russian sister city when they’re still working on grasping the concept of fire?

Atlanta Burning

This week Atlanta sports fans were heartbroken as the Braves were knocked out of the Major League Baseball playoffs on the same night the Falcons lost both their game and their star wide receiver to a season-ending injury. “At least the Dream is still alive in the WNBA playoffs,” said no one ever.

Poo Haven, Conn.

An extra load has been added to laundry machines all over Yale University’s campus. Officials are on a manhunt for “the poopetrator” that has been terrorizing campus residence halls with his oddly placed bowel movements. The person of interest has suspected ties to rival Ivy League school Brown University.

Mario Karrboro

A UNC grad is aiming to make a local-themed role-playing video game entitled “Carrboro Quest.” The game has been described as ?Grand Theft Auto-esque,” as it reportedly includes high speed bike races to Trader Joe’s and violent disputes between rival communes over who is more green.