Quickhits for October 3, 2013

Gov’t calls it quits

A deadlocked Congress has caused a government shutdown. While national parks, museums and monuments will shut down, “essential” departments such as the military will not cease. Unfortunately, for reasons still not fully explained to me, the English class I have a paper due in is still considered “essential.”

The Return

P.J. Hairston has returned to basketball practice. However, he will no longer be considered a leader, forgoing any input on decisions such as where the team will eat or what movies it will watch. A source on the team was not upset, saying, “There’s only so much Long John Silver’s and ‘Meet the Spartans’ I can take.”

Fuel for nightmares

It was reported recently that a wave of giant wasps has killed up to 28 people in China. The wasps have chased people for meters and stung them up to 200 times causing anaphylactic shock and renal failure. Some have begun to spend more time indoors, while others say they “welcome our new wasp overlords.”

Yrnt sqzp sioc nst

Signs have recently been appearing throughout Chapel Hill with nonsense such
as “Yrnt sqzp.” Their purpose is to raise awareness of illiteracy in the surrounding areas. Unfortunately, both Julius Peppers and Marvin Austin have both already left Chapel Hill and will not receive the help they deserve.

Cuffing season aside

As students begin to pack the library and ingest pants soiling levels of
coffee, the return of midterms has become obvious. Though the onslaught of papers and exams may beat down some students, reprieve will eventually come with fall break and the Thursday night game. Experts expect no livers to survive.

Sauceless pizza

Soon, a new pizza place called Toppers Pizza will be moving into the space that Gumby’s Pizza left vacant when it went out of business. They will bring with them a product similar to the popular Pokey Stix. Somehow, no other place has figured out the complex process of putting cheese on bread in the meantime.