Quickhits for October 31, 2013

Bega forgiveness

Last week celebrated ‘90s artist Lou Bega began to “receive condolences” for his untimely death. The only problem was that he is still alive — it was actually legendary rocker Lou Reed who has died. Bega was allegedly elated as he thought everyone already assumed him dead after “Mambo No. 5’s” heyday.

Carolina’s finest

Don Yelton, a GOP precinct chair in Buncombe County, resigned after appearing on “The Daily Show,” where he said the Voter ID law could specifically hurt Democrats, college students and “lazy blacks.” Many have hoped that he is a spy from left of the aisle, claiming “no one could possibly be that dumb.”

Crime log fun

A suspicious person at a Kangaroo Express on Jones Ferry Road was reported to police on Tuesday. The woman became irate, yelling about Obama being president. Though some may label her a drunk or crazy, it’s obvious that this is merely a hitch in the NSA’s next stage of total human surveillance.

Beer run

A Georgia man became a hero last week when he ran back into his already-burning house. Despite already saving his family, the man was on a mission to save his delicous and refreshing Bud Light. The fact that there were only a few cans remaining in the case allegedly had nothing to do with his decision.

A fight we can’t lose

Connecticut has entered the battle between Ohio and North Carolina over the ability to claim “First in Flight.” Its evidence includes a blurry photo and eye witness accounts by “real” people. The loss of this title would be a blow for North Carolina as “First in Cigs” doesn’t look as good on license plates.

Not-so-locker rooms

The football team’s locker rooms have been vandalized this week with red. The source of this vandalism is unknown. The usual guess of an N.C. State fan is unlikely as the push door has been mislabeled “pull,” effectively locking the door to any Wolfpack fan that is without parental supervision.