Quickhits for November 14, 2013

One hell of a drug

Mike Tyson has recently admitted to being high on cocaine for many fights. He admitted to being high during a fight in which he bit the opponent’s leg, which might be the weirdest case of the munchies ever. This explains his role in “The Hangover,” which originally never called for him to punch anyone.

A budding cause

A movement has been recently sparked in Kansas to push for the legalization of marijuana. The Sunflower State hopes to follow its neighbor, Colorado, in the liberalization of the country’s drug policy. The main argument behind the movement is that there is literally nothing else to do in Kansas but get high.

Come on and slam

UNC basketball legend Michael Jordan was recently seen on Instagram playing beer pong. Given the egregious placement of his elbows, which were halfway down the table, Jordan has cleary forgotten he is no longer filming “Space Jam.” Stretching his arm across the court doesn’t work in the real world.

Too many selfies

A recent survey has found that the British are drunk in about three-quarters of their Facebook photos. The survey also found that more than half of the participants allow anyone to see any of the photos they are tagged in. In other news, a large chunk of the British Isles has become completely unemployable.

An arm and a leg

It was recently announced that a South American company will open a luxury theater at University Mall. The theater will offer hand-stitched leather seats, broadcast live performances and cost $16 per adult ticket. It’s predicted to be a huge success, because what college student doesn’t want to overpay for opera?

Maple Jordan

In one of the two college basketball upsets Tuesday night, d00K lost to Kansas University. Though
that would normally cause Tar Heels to rejoice, Andrew Wiggins, the man who scorned UNC basketball, won. The indecision has caused many to begin questioning not only themselves but also life in general.