Quickhits for Nov. 26, 2013

*A bad break up*

The University has recently sent Greg Little, Marvin Austin and Robert Quinn letters of permenant dissociation. The three are now barred from entering Kenan Stadium. The University has also reportedly blocked them on Facebook, posted lengthy statuses and song lyrics about them and cut their faces out of all photos.

*Dadgummit*

The basketball team came out on top of the Louisville Cardinals on Saturday. After calling Kennedy Meeks, “one of the worst players on the planet” in the wake of the game against Richmond University, Roy Williams allegedy recanted by promising to actually start calling him Kennedy rather than “Meeks Mill.”

*Dangerously cheesy*

Doctors have recently begun seeing a trend in children being brought to them for eating too many Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheetos. Overindulgance of the snack causes a change in the pH value of the stomach lining. It also causes a change in the level of the children’s epic World of Warcraft characters.

*A mile high*

The first recreational marijuana retail license has been issued to a Central City, Colo., store. The store will be able to sell recreational weed on Jan 1. Coincidentally, both Insomnia Cookies and Cosmic Cantina have annouced plans to open stores in Central City, citing something they call the “munchy effect.”

*Kids these days*

A sadistic “game,” labeled the “knockout game,” has recently been causing problems in as many as six states. In the game, kids try to knockout a stranger with one punch. Gatherings for the game have caused confusion in the many middle-aged fathers and school children showing up with basketballs.

*So many pockets!*

A recent study has found women judge men based on the pants they wear to the first date. The study shows that khakis indicate the man is rich, while colorful pants will make a guy seem adventurous. The study allegedly could not test cargo shorts, as every girl surveyed could only make vomiting noises.