Win Turkey Day: 8 tips

Next week, pupils will head home to celebrate the greatest of all-American holidays: Thanksgiving. On normal holidays, we rest. Not so on Turkey Day: We compete for thanks.

Thanksgiving is a holiday that celebrates America, which was founded on the notion of competition. Competition, in economic terms, occurs when many pursue a scarce good.

Every Black Friday, bloody fights erupt amongst Wal-Mart shoppers clawing for the last discounted Tickle Me Elmo. Witness the cornucopia of American competition in action.

That’s why Thanksgiving is not a restful holiday; it’s a competition for thankfulness. Just like companies compete for money and students compete for grades, next Thursday, families will gather at their tables to compete for the title of MTP (Most Thankful Patriot).

There’s only one way for Americans to prove thankfulness: consume the most food. To ensure victory next Thursday, what follows are economic tips for out-eating the others:

Deregulate belts. When there’s less government regulation, businesses tend to earn more money. Do your guests a similar favor, and institute a pants-optional rule at the table. This deregulation will allow everyone a fair shot at eating the most without social backlash.

Free mashed flow. Businesses that have the most free cash flow, or extra dollar bills, outcompete cash-strapped rivals. While at dinner next Thursday, try to maximize your free mashed flow: the fork’s constant circulation between the mashed potatoes and your mouth.

Hedge dish risk. Businesses that sell only one product are less competitive than those that make money selling several products. That’s because the latter strategy hedges risk. Avoid risking your win on one dish — eat several to counter boredom and aid digestion.

Beet depreciation. When businesses end up with unsold products, they experience depreciation and rapidly lose value. You must race the Turkey Day clock to eat your meal before it depreciates and gets soggy.

Waistline inflation. Businesses fear inflation because it raises costs and eats profits. Also be wary of your waistline inflation. Getting too full too fast is a recipe for Thanksgiving disaster, so eat greens and lean meats over carbs.

Product placement. Businesses pay top dollar to secure the best advert slots. This strategy maximizes product exposure to paying customers. Place your dinner table seat such that you can elbow competitors and reach all the dishes.

Edible Public Offering. When businesses want to raise funds and grow, they auction stock through an Initial Public Offering (IPO). You can adopt a similar strategy by holding an Edible Public Offering (EPO): Take bets from Facebook friends on who will eat the most.

Return to the scale. Successful businesses expand and become more competitive by increasing returns to scale, where costs fall and profits rise as production increases. Be sure to weigh yourself and competitors on a scale at dinner’s end to determine the MTP.

Gobble gobble, y’all.