Quickhits for Dec. 3, 2013

The end is nigh

The rapid increase of all-nighters and serious considerations of foregoing college and establishing a drug empire instead can only mean that final exams are starting. With this will also come an increase in coffee sales and the annual trotting out of perverts that stare just a little too much at the library streakers.

Giving thanks

The past week saw the observance of one of the most quintessential American holidays — Thanksgiving. With that came the equally American practices of overeating, family arguments and getting hit on by a cousin from the weird side of the family. The best part is everyone gets to do it again in a month.

A dark day

The holiday also saw some of the best examples of competition and violence America has to offer. Unfortunately this wasn’t on a football field, but at a Wal-Mart. Black Friday was calmer this year with only 15 injuries, showing that maybe people’s lives are more important than a cheap television.

The future is here

Online retailer Amazon has announced that they are planning to use airborne drones to deliver light-weight packages in 30 minutes or less. Now customers will be able to even avoid the mailman’s prying eyes when they order that sex toy and fungus cream they were too embarrassed to buy in the store.

Never be optimistic

Just as crews were starting to raise another national championship banner after the basketball team’s victory over the Louisville Cardinals, they lost to the University of Alabama at Birmingham. Despite having a dragon as a mascot, we’ve been assured this is an actual school and not some sort of awful joke.

Snitches get stitches

Despite not being recognized as an official club sport, the UNC Quidditch Team is on its way to the International Quidditch Association’s World Cup after it won the Minerva Cup to secure the Mid-Atlantic Region. Somehow these are all real things. Now if only this school started winning in real sports.