Quickhits for Jan. 16, 2014

She feels the need

Chancellor Folt was recently pulled over and received a speeding ticket at 4 p.m., which is less exciting than a.m., but more factual. She has already begun the customary remediary process for such infractions. This includes laps in the Dean Dome and banishment to the D-League to prep for the NBA Draft.

Warning signs

During Saturday’s abysmal loss to Syracuse, a new disaster began brewing. Despite a massive deluge and winds that could make cows fly, Chapel Hill beat the warnings and avoided a tornado. Despite many claims, an 0-3 start to the ACC season does not actually signal the end of the world.

Daeth thraets

After telling CNN that she has evidence that former Tar Heel student athletes were illiterate, Mary Willingham has begun receiving the customary death threats that accompany any modern sports scandal. Unsuprisingly, the threats were crudely written in crayon and rampant with spelling and grammatical mistakes.

Bieber Bust

Police raided Justin Bieber’s house after he allegedly egged his neighbor’s house and caused damages. They found substances they believe to be Ecstasy or cocaine. After being caught with a Brazilian prostitute last year, Bieber has somehow become one of the “wildest rock stars,” and that makes everyone sad.

Keep pounding

Cam Newton was outplayed by Colin Kaepernick on Saturday and the Carolina Panthers were knocked out of the playoffs. Despite the season’s end, Greg Hardy remains committed to his nickname “Kraken” by only eating fish and trying to sink small boats. At least the Bobcats still have a chance, right?

Captains of Industry

Barack Obama visited Raleigh yesterday to announce the opening of a manufacturing institute aimed at the middle class. Unfortunately it will be headed by N.C. State, meaning uniforms will include either camo or jorts, and wages will be based on how many wheels each employee’s home has.