Memet Walker
Mr. President-elect, my gift to you…
(House lights dim.)
(The curtain rises on The Daily Tar Heel office, where Memet Walker is slaving away at his latest, sure-to-be hated column.)
(Sang to the tune of “Gaston” from “Beauty and the Beast.”)
Memet: (typing) No… one’s…
slick as A.P.,
no one’s quick as A.P.,
no one’s our second pick for the job like A.P.!
But there’s no man at school half as manly…
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Howes
or ask Shamdasani,
And they’ll tell you whose team they prefer to be on…
(Long pause.)
(Cabinet job offer.)
(Cattle prod.)
Winston and Nikita: (Gritting teeth) No… one… wins like A.P.,
Flashes grins like A.P.!
Crying squirrel: When I drop acorns on heads,
he cuts down my trees!
Clef Hangers: (falsetto) Now, he may not be burly or brawny…
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A.P.: Yes, you see, I am pasty and pale…
Clef Hangers: (castrato) Every bit of him’s scraggly and scrawny….
A.P.: That’s right! Compared to the last guy, though,
I’m Christian Bale!
Homeless guy: (in a new box) No one’s rich like A.P.!
Faculty: (in new offices) Matches wits like A.P.!
Carol Folt and P.J.: (in cuffs) In our street races, nobody SNITCHED liked A.P.!
A.P.: (debating) I’m especially brilliant on
IM-MI-GRA-TION…
Emilio: But…
(Timer buzzes.)
Moderators: 10 points for A.P.!
A.P.: When I was a boy, I read four dozen books,
Ev’ry morning to make my brain smart.
And now that I’m grown, I read FIVE dozen books,
So my friend list’s the size of Coach K’s heart!
(Coach K sheds a single tear, bites into screaming fawn’s neck.)
All: IF HE … WAS A…
Bruce, he’d be Lee!
A Duke ticket, phase 3!
Tired UNC housekeeper: (subtitled) If his hair were a TV show,
it would be “Glee!”
(Supervisor assigns her 15-hour shift.)
A.P.: I put all Memet’s columns in BIRDIE CAGES!…
Parrot: (Splat!) 10 points for A.P.!
All: Say it again! Who’s a man among men?
He’s the one kid in the town, got all 16.83 percent of the voting UNC population down!
Who’s a super success? Don’tcha know, can’t you guess?
Ask his class who they all wanna be!…
Gary the Pit Preacher: There’s just one boy so swell,
Makes me sad there’s a HELL!!!!…
Athlete: And his name’s A-I-D…F? J!
…Another i?
PSSST!
(Daydreaming tutor finally looks at cue card and quickly changes it.)
All: A.P.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
