Quickhits for Feb. 13, 2014

White Out

North Carolina is once again staring Armageddon in the face as multiple inches of snow descend upon us. Streets have become parking lots as many abandon their cars. Oddly, milk and bread remain on the shelves of local stores while everywhere has already completely sold out of any type of alcohol.

Gnarly, dude

The chillest of Olympians, Sage Kotsenburg, won the men’s snowboard slopestyle competition, netting the first gold for the U.S. He did so by pulling off a “Back 16 Japan.” Despite our assumptions, we have been assured that this is actually a thing and Kotsenburg has yet to sell his medal for a totally rad dream catcher.

Heidi

After the tragedy that was Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s death, the world has lost another great with the death of Shirley Temple. In addition to acting, Temple was known for her work as an ambassador to Ghana. People the world over will be pouring out Fourties and Sprite and Grenadine in remembrance.

Dog days are over

The Olympics didn’t have a competition monopoly this week as canines of all breeds vied to be top dog at the Westminter Kennel Club Dog Show. Sky, a fox terrier, beat out multiple mop-like dogs to win best in show. Despite being a total bitch, Sky was gracious in victory allowing the losers to still smell her butt.

Pink eye

As the Olympic games continue, so does the slow degeneration of Bob Costas’ eyes. Costas has been removed from broadcasting after he contracted a nasty case of conjunctivitis. He is reportedly receiving the traditional Russian treatment which involves local herbs, something called “tooth cheese” and lots of vodka.

Here we go again

In an anticlimax, elections will move on to a runoff election between Andrew Powell and Emilio Vincente. Once again students did not listen the DTH’s endorsement, forcing us to not only question the continued effectiveness of print media but also our purpose in life as well. These are dark times.