Quickhits for March 20, 2014

Malaysia flight

As the search for Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 drags on, patience is running short, as some have begun to question the searchers’ methods. They remain committed to the strategy of strapping floaties to search and rescue dogs and yelling really, really loud from the beach. Liam Neeson has been asked for help. 

The World Wide Web

Just like Coach K and that one weird freshman girl who people whisper about, our website has gotten a face-lift.  No longer resembling the still-functioning Space Jam website, our new site is a lean, mean misquoting machine. We can’t promise that this will make this page any better — that’s in the works.

Tesla bans

New Jersey has joined other states in banning the direct sale of Tesla cars by the manufacturer. These states cite that it will create unfair competition to car dealerships. The state has also introduced legislation to ban the sun as it provides unfair competition to the thousands of tanning booths littering the state.

March Madness

The brackets have closed and March Madness has begun. Sports statisticians have measured UNC’s chance of winning at slightly more than 1 percent to “maybe if literally every other team can’t show up.” Providence is unranked, so our chances of making it out of the first round are slim.

Fan of the Year

A University of Virginia fan donned a suit and orange tie and strolled right past unassuming ushers onto the court at the men’s basketball team’s ACC Tournament title game, even shaking Coach K’s hand after the victory. If you act like you know what you’re doing, people will think you do. Just ask the NCAA. 

Law school apps

The acceptance rate at UNC’s law school has skyrocketed in the last few years due to a nation-wide decline in applicants.  However, officials have stated the quality of accepted students has not suffered. They then strongly claimed the Jonas Brothers are still virgins and Barack Obama is indeed Kenyan.